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What I Watched Last Night

By Pat Bataillon

The hippopotamus – this is what I would want to be if I were an animal in the African wilderness. They get to hang out all the time with their friends in the coolest place in Africa, the watering hole. Where there is water, there are animals from all over, and the hippos are cool with it as long as there is no trouble. When there is a little trouble, the hippos will just kill the troublemaker. Talk about justice! That sets an example for all the other wildlife around the watering hole.


Just like Texas, I learned last night not to mess with hippos. Animal Planet has done it again. I did not watch all that much television last night. I opted for the hour nap instead of Primetime. When I awoke it was getting late and I needed to run a few errands, so when I got back to my apartment there was little left to entertain me. I got a tip to watch AP and presto!
The “King of the Rivers” inspired me to dream about the animals that I would like to be on every continent.
Asia: I would have to be the Himalayan Leopard, because I saw one on Animal Planet run up the mountain to kill a goat, rocks flying behind the beast as it closed in on its prey, the goat chewing straw or some other type of native foliage and too clueless to realize that its life was about to end in a matter of moments. The leopard took the goat out and atee it on the side of the mountain. Now that is pretty neat. I know that, in my present human condition, I could not run up a mountain and kill a goat even with a gun, let alone my mouth.
Antarctica: There are not many life forms on this particular continent, so I will go with the easy one, an Emperor Penguin. I saw March of the Penguins and found it fascinating for the first half hour or so; the other hour I could have lived without. These penguins strut around and eat fish and swim fast and, most comically, fall on their faces when waltzing on thin ice. I like comic relief, even if I am the one who falls. Once I fell up the stairs running to catch the Red Line downtown and a man saw me and I said, “Ya like that!” He smiled and I laughed.
Europe: Tough call but I gotta go with the pigeon. It seems to me that pigeons have a pretty fair deal on the other side of the pond. They get fed all the time and people love to run at them for fun. They hang out just like the hippos, and anything that has something in common with the hippo is alright in my book. I also think that I read somewhere that the carrier pigeons helped win that big war over there. That is more than a modest claim to fame. Kudos to the European pigeon.
Australia: Kangaroo. Anything else and your are certifiably nuts. Kangaroos have that pouch and they hop everywhere. I wish I could hop everywhere, it would break up the monotony of the day, that is for sure.
South America: Huge python, why not? They grow up to 30 feet, they eat only a couple times a year, and they have great camo. All of these things add up to one thing: Relaxation. I am a huge fan of relaxation; please refer to the hour nap for no particular reason last night. See how productive it turned out to be? You are now reading this column. Eating every couple of months?! Come on! Think about all the hassles avoided – saving money and time thinking about what’s for dinner. The camo part speaks for itself.
North America: Tough one again, home continent and all, but I’ll go with the prairie dog. They seem to have things figured out. Living in the ground would be cozy, and there is the whole community thing going for them, which is real nice. Digging holes is something that we all loved to do as children; they do it all day. However, they do eat bugs so that is a huge disadvantage. On the other hand, they tend not to get involved in a lot of BS politics, which I am glad I was able to avoided writing about today. Thank you, prairie dogs. And thank you, Animal Planet.

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Posted on October 5, 2006