Chicago - A message from the station manager

What I Watched Last Night

By Pat Bataillon

I was at Memorial Stadium in Lincoln, Nebraska this weekend for a nail-biter of a game between Nebraska and Kansas. Thankfully, Nebraska won in overtime, so I am good spirits. I get back into town to hear that the Bears have won big over the Seahawks and the Cubs are going to fire Dusty soon. How could this weekend get any better?
It did. Thanks to TV.


When I turned on the television set around eleven last night, I was greeted by Gladiator and MTV’s True Life: I Have a Summer Share. Gladiator features ancient weaponry and blood and animals and a very simple plot line; this edition ofTrue Life features an egotistical maniac and alcohol. Both show us what not to do with our lives.
Gladiator portrays the life of a man taken away from his family, and his struggle to get back to them even though they are dead. There are insurmountable odds to overcome in his struggle for survival in the rough and tumble world of a Roman gladiator. He has emotional problems stemming from the sell-out job done over on him by the new Emperor of Rome. He could be killed at any moment but his love for his lost family saves him in the end. Blah, blah, blah.
True Life: I Have a Summer share documents the life of a muscular, stereotypical street tough drunk in New Jersey. When I say stereotypical, I mean that he has the “Neyw Jah-see” accent, has multiple tattoos, sports wife-beaters as his club attire, and loves expensive jewelry and cheap cologne. Basically, this is the type of guy who will tell you how much money he has on him within the first five minutes of meeting.
His emotional problems? Plenty. This guy is looking for a mate to share his apparent lavish lifestyle and failing. He is groping everything that moves toward him – the kind of guy at the bar that women refer to as “creepy.” He has trust issues too; however, they do not stem from Roman Emperors and their wicked ways.They stem from an unloving and, most likely, alcoholic trophy wife mom who liked her warm vodka more than a warm hug. Obviously this kid wasn’t loved enough when he was a kid so he likes to hit on chicks and mess up dudes. Great life choice.
Anyway, this guy has yet to realize that relationships are best not sought-after but have to occur, and therefore, at the end of his “crazy summer” he is alone and crying into a Zima while smoking his menthol cigarette.
The lesson I learned in these two programs is this: Don’t waste your time looking for something unrealistic that you will never find. The gladiator was looking for redemption for his dead family and he ended up dying himself. That is no victory. He’s dead, so what the hell did that prove? The self-absorbed dingbat in New Jersey is searching for a caring mother, not a girlfriend. That is a whole other issue in itself, and on a Monday morning I’m not up to further exploring the Oedipus Complex.
Now let’s just hope the Cubs are searching for a baseball manager, not a daddy.

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Posted on October 2, 2006