By Pat Bataillon
I was reading the Bible again the other night. Something I do to remind me to fear for my soul at all times. I re-read the Cain and Abel story as well as some Jesus stuff and realized we have a modern day version unfolding right before or eyes. Leno is killing the younger Conan for the approval of his superior. I love it when biblical tales come to teach us in modern day situations. See Haiti’s pact with the devil. Kudos to Pat Robertson for pointing that one out, I would have completely missed it.
I have never watched an episode of Leno’s prime time show and never made it through an entire hour of his version of the Tonight Show. I watched Conan a few times when it started, and over the last two weeks. The Late Night show with Conan was really something special and looks to be in good hands with Jimmy Fallon. Seriously, Jimmy Fallon is worthwhile. His take on the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air is a can’t miss. Through all these shows though, Letterman has been holding my attention since I could stay up past 10.
With all honesty, I steer clear of the Bible but went to Catholic schools for all of my education so I think I am jaded just enough to make these comparisons.
So, to Cain, Abel and a little Jesus peppered in for taste. See here: Jay Leno is Cain. Conan O’Brien is Abel. NBC is God. Jay Leno is the older of the two and is doing a fine job with his land. Conan comes along and starts work with some other land. All is well for a while until they present their goods to God. God digs what Conan’s goods offer better than Leno’s. God offers Leno’s land to Conan in a few years. Conan accepts as he did not want to take off and leave God. Upsetting God is never a good idea.
Conan eventually takes the land from Leno. Leno, quite envious of his successor, starts work with new land. The goods are pretty piss poor. Leno is a selfish person and yearns for all the attention of God that he was used to a few years back. Leno is considerably jealous of Conan so he finds a way to kill him and his show.
In the biblical story, Cain invited Abel to a field and killed him. In real life, we really don’t know what happened.
Seems Leno killed Conan’s show by whining instead of inviting him into a field, though keep in mind there are not many fields in Burbank.
So, Leno kills off Conan and gets his old show back.
NBC will eventually wonder to themselves: Where’s Conan? Why did we get rid of a person who worked the land so much better than the other? They will ask Leno and Leno will make that high-pitched sound no one can stand.
The kicker is this, biblically speaking: When Leno returns to his old show it is stained with the blood of slain Conan and will never bring success.
In the biblical version, Leno would suffer the vengeance for murder seven times over from God. (See why it’s never a good idea to upset God?) If the Bible is right, which it always is, Leno’s ratings will be really bad forever.
Now, for the Jesus part. Conan will have to be resurrected somehow. I’m sure Fox will have something to do with that.
I mean, of all the networks out there, which one has the best connections with God?
When Conan is resurrected, we will watch with disbelief and celebrate his birth, the week of his death, and the day of said resurrection every year. It’ll be great.
I have to mention, Abel doesn’t become Jesus in the biblical version of this story. He’s just dead. Never breaks that curse like Jesus was able to.
See, Abel would have been the grandson of God because Adam, of Adam and Eve fame, was his father.
Speaking of Adam, don’t know if he got “Son of God” status. I think he just got first human ever. Not a bad title, but he completely missed out on resurrection.
Adam must be Johnny Carson in this instance. Letterman fits into all of this somehow as well, but my knowledge of the Bible is pretty limited.
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Posted on January 22, 2010