By Natasha Julius

In the 8:00 hour I settled in to watch Fox’s new far-out conspiracy thriller, Vanished. I’m now beginning to suspect that the far-out conspiracy thriller well may be running dry. How do you go about making a centuries-old secret society reaching to the highest levels of the government boring? Well, for starters, you can promote the hell out of said plot developments and feature none of them in the pilot. Then, you can write a slate of characters that never rise above two dimensions and assemble a cast uniformly committed to staying within the established glowering geometric plane. Finally, you can shoot the whole thing through a blue filter and introduce a maddening act-out grainy screen fade that keeps popping up without regard to commercial breaks.

Read More

Posted on August 22, 2006

By Pat Bataillon

Our brains have been programmed so conveniently. This is a gigantic step back for society. Back in the primitive days of humans, males would fight each other for power, and when that was established they would build a fire or shelter. Now, equally large men fight each other for dominance in some sort of testosterone-filled cage, and when that is established they hug each other. This is the premise for Ultimate Fighting Championship. The premise for American Chopper is the building part without the physical fighting. They yell and scream about arbitrary pressure they are coping with and then build a motorcycle.

Read More

Posted on August 22, 2006

By Pat Bataillon

Last night, Sunday, went like this:
Dirty Dancing. Dirty Dancing really doesn’t carry the same family feature weight as a Tim Allen Christmas flick, but it won the coveted Sunday night movie slot last night on ABC Family.

Read More

Posted on August 21, 2006

By Pat Bataillon

All I wanted last night after watching America’s Got Talent was a bottle of whiskey. A bottle of Jack Daniels would have helped me to understand what had just happened on that show. It was like I had walked into a bad dream. Think about it: David Hasselhoff in purple sunglasses with his all too familiar chest hair sneaking out of his pastel green shirt, a British guy insulting everyone, a singer I don’t know, and Regis singing. There was so much going on in this show I really don’t even know where to start.

Read More

Posted on August 18, 2006

By Pat Bataillon

Last night the stupid box helped me laugh. There was a movie called Supersize Me a few years back and I haven’t eaten fast food since. Now that guy has his own show on FX called 30 Days, and last night he convinced me to start a yoga class and meditate.

Read More

Posted on August 17, 2006

By Pat Bataillon

Last night I decided not to watch any television because it is rotting my brain. I worry that I am just wandering through nonsensical babble for the betterment of this little column. Last night I asked myself, “What is wrong with the writing, Pat?” My response was blank and I panicked. My feelings have been numbed by an electronic medium that dulls the emotions. I boycotted television last night. But I will be back because I have to.

Read More

Posted on August 16, 2006

By Pat Bataillon

Monday Night Football celebrated their first night on ESPN last night by showing the Raiders playing the Vikings. I do not know what the final score was because it was preseason football, and no sane person pays attention to final scores in preseason football. Preseason football is among the worst possible options for TV viewing. The first series of the first preseason game is usually all I watch because the starters are out after that series. If I wanted to watch second-rate players, I would watch Canadian football.

Read More

Posted on August 15, 2006

By Pat Bataillon

There sure was a whole lot of nothing on TV last night. So I surfed. And what a surf I had. I really impressed myself.

Read More

Posted on August 14, 2006

By Pat Bataillon

It’s Friday morning and all I watched last night was The Fugitive and It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Harrison Ford is what I strive to be in the future and IASP is still a tremendous show. Sadly, the season finale is next week. Since this is Friday I will focus on the positives from last night. Harrison Ford was the highlight of my night; you could say that I have a non-sexual crush on Harrison Ford.

Read More

Posted on August 11, 2006

By Pat Bataillon

Those “I’m a Mac” and “I’m a PC” commercials are beginning to drive me a little crazy. I use a Mac, and I once used a PC. Personally, I like the Mac better. That doesn’t make me a better person than a PC user, though.

Read More

Posted on August 10, 2006