By Pat Bataillon

This being the week of Thanksgiving, I want to take this opportunity to thank all the shows that have actually entertained me this season: It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, The Office, and . . . well, that’s it.
As far as the other shows out there are concerned, I want to thank them for making this column so much fun to write. Let us give thanks, then, to the following:
WWF. This brilliant soap opera includes near-naked women and muscular men with limited brainpower – just like the real world! This show appeals to a demographic who think with their Budweiser and pot rather than with their head. Thank you also, WWF, for your twisted take on masculinity.
All metal-related hows on The Discovery Channel. Similiar to WWF, except these programs tend to show some progress by their end. Furthermore, this show appeals a wide demographic because everyone likes metal.

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Posted on November 22, 2006

By Pat Bataillon

Monday nights have been a trouble spot for me the last few months; at one time the programming got so bad I decided to never write Tuesday columns again. But a friend recommended that I view a television show about the Carter family, so here I am.
Apparently, this show is about Aaron Carter and his brothers and sisters. Aaron Carter is famous for being, I think, the little brother of a Backstreet Boy. The Backstreet Boys were guys who danced and made teen-age girls excited about life. The Backstreet Boys were popular for a while but now they have faded into obscurity.
I did not watch the show, but I think I get the idea. It’s kind of like Meet the Barkers or The Osbournes or the one with that Kiss guy or that guy from the Partridge Family with all the mental problems.

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Posted on November 21, 2006

By Pat Bataillon

Modern Marvels: Metal made me magnify my mental magnificence; moreover, my magical mindset mirrored manifestations. Accordingly, amazing alliteration ability as an amusing act assumes asinine accountability.
So this is where I wandered to after The Office last night. The Office is a great show and the pudding was there last night for you to sample. After The Office abandoned me I was faced with a void. There was 30 Rock and the unknown. I went with the unknown.
Yes, that Tina woman from Saturday Night Live is on the 30 Rock program. I do not think she is all that funny. She is frequently praised for being the first head female writer on SNL. Congratulations, you were the head writer on a show that has not been funny in five years.

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Posted on November 17, 2006

By Pat Bataillon

I watched A Few Good Men last night and it wasn’t all it’s cracked up to be.

Posted on November 16, 2006

By Pat Bataillon

Dog the Bounty Hunter. I can’t believe it has taken me this long to get to it. Dog is the name of the man in the show. He has a wife and a brother and a couple of cousins or maybe they are his kids but nonetheless they all work together to catch crooks living in Hawaii. Yes, and they all wear black from head to toe and some of them wear tribal beads and necklaces. I’ll get to the black thing in a sentence or two but the tribal headdress and necklaces must come first.
Tribal ornaments are usually meant for the members of a tribe and I find it dubious that this Dog character is a member of any tribe other than his family. Some families have crests and traditions and some even dress their kids to match the parents, but to each his own. Now, the black thing. Black must signify the stealth that Dog and his pack must have to maneuver the tough streets of Hawaii. And to intimidate the tough guys they come upon.
Think about it. If a man and his family broke down your door dressed in black outfits without sleeves holding handcuffs and yelling, you would be a little intimidated. I sure would be, however, if anyone broke down my door I would be a little stressed.
So, dressed in sleeveless outfits and talking into walky-talkies, they hunt down these violent offenders, excuse me parole violators charged with drug possession a month or so ago. Usually, these offenders are usually high on the same type of drug they were put on parole for and relatively sedated, therefore, easily apprehended. However, when the doors break down and the pepper spray is pointed at them and
handcuffs are put on the offender, it is really exciting. Justice is served. And yes, I did say pepper spray instead of guns a blazin’. See, in Hawaii it is illegal for a bounty hunter to have a gun. So, a word to a would-be probation-breaker in Hawaii: Carry a gun.

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Posted on November 15, 2006

By Pat Bataillon

When I think of America, I think of raging wild fires in the West and floods in the South and the Twin Towers of the East. Neither I nor John Cougar Mellencamp tend to think about anything in the North, most likely because the North has been pretty much free of natural and terror-related disasters recently.
I am, of course, referring to the advertising stroke of genius known as the new Chevy truck commercials featuring the musical talent of Johnny Cougar Mellencamp, or John Mellencamp or John Cougar – depending on your generation.
Johnny C. sings about what America is to him and us because he is the voice of our country, according to him and the geniuses at Chevrolet. As he belts out “This is our country!” there are great scenic shots of America, including a panning shot of the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina and fires burning out of control in California. The new commercials in the series, using the same song, feature photos of people who define what America is, like that race car driver who died in a car wreck. Well, actually he died racing a car at ludicrous speeds in close quarters with other cars going roughly the same speed in a relatively tight area – roughly a quarter of a mile in a circle. So you be the judge if that describes you.

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Posted on November 14, 2006

By Steve Rhodes

I watched The Tony Peraica Show last night. It was a pretty good episode – it started out kind of predictable, you know, alleged ballot fraud and voting machine malfunctions and bumbling at election headquarters. At first I thought it was a rerun of a show they ran in March.
But then came the twist, and more compelling television I have not seen in a long time. And it was live.

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Posted on November 8, 2006

By Pat Bataillon

Monday night headaches, it must be Election Day! I get tense when I watch political coverage the night before any election; been that way for a couple of cycles. I watch every time with anticipation and ridicule the pundits and disagree with all them and think that I am oh-so-smart. They all talk different agendas. MSNBC was speaking to the dirty politics of the Republicans; apparently the GOPers are robo-calling Democrats with dirty tricks. CNN has their election coverage going on all night with a panel of experts; they cover all the angles of all the States. Wolf Blitzer is such a fake name by the way. But my favorite of all, of course, is FOX News. FOX News was issuing warnings about what would happen if the Democrats win the House and not the Senate. Somehow the terrorists in Iraq killed more Americans this last month because they want to the Democrats to win. This was actually said by a commentator on Hannity and Colmes. Terrorists are Democrats and Democrats are terrorists.

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Posted on November 7, 2006

By Pat Bataillon

I watched the Bears lose to the Dolphins and thought about how annoying ESPN and the local media would be pounding into my head that this was a good loss. You know, puncture the team’s overconfidence to better prepare for a Super Bowl run. Let me tell you something: THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A GOOD LOSS. If that were true the Cubs would be thought of as the greatest team ever. Furthermore, I’m now bracing myself for a week of “Not So Sexy Rexy” nonsense that is bound to dominate the media coverage this morning and throughout the week. Listen, Rex Grossman is like seafood: Most of the time it is really good but there are those few times that you wished you never got involved with it. Rex is comparable to a clam in my book. I have never liked Rex for one simple reason: He played football for Steve Spurrier. And Steve Spurrier is worse than Sean Hannity.

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Posted on November 6, 2006

Pat Bataillon will be on hiatus until Monday, Nov. 6.

Posted on October 28, 2006