By Cate Plys
As the venerable soap opera All My Children finishes its 42-year run today due to the high cost of production and recent ratings – i.e., lack of funding – it’s time for a modest programming proposal:
All My Children, known as “AMC,” can still be saved by All Things Considered, known as “ATC” – which recently just managed to hang on to its own funding from the federal government. The new show shall be called All My Considerations (“AMC”), hosted by Erica Kane and Robert Siegel, with correspondents from both ancestor programs. Staff romances shall be encouraged to interfere with the news. Let’s listen in.
Robert Siegel: Good evening, this is All My Considerations. I’m Robert Siegel.
Erica Kane (breathy): And I’m Erica Kane. And I love your voice, Robert.
Robert Siegel: Thank you Erica. On Capital Hill today –
Erica Kane (sultry): It’s so well-modulated, the timbre is so . . . authoritative. Why, I just can’t help believing everything you tell me. You can even get me to listen to yet another recently discovered cache of Depression-era field tapes of excruciatingly bad Appalachian folk singers.
Robert Siegel: All right Erica, now in Washington today –
Erica Kane (steely): Yes Robert, I can believe anything you tell me, except your pathetic excuses for coming home late every night!
Robert Siegel: Erica, be reasonable. Pine Valley is a long commute, and I really did get a flat tire in Center City yesterday. Can I help it if Center City is populated almost exclusively by prostitutes with hearts of gold?
Erica Kane (teary): There are plenty of poor people who turn out to be related to Pine Valley residents too! That’s where we used to get all our new black characters!
Robert Siegel: I swear, the tow truck driver wouldn’t come to Center City, so I had to accept a ride from that young hooker.
Erica Kane (hysterical): No, I won’t listen! Your calm, fatherly tone always makes me feel like you’ll make everything better, but you don’t! There are still horrible earthquakes and serial killers and Michelle Bachmann! You can’t control the news, and you can’t control me either anymore!
Robert Siegel: We’ll discuss this over dinner, Erica. Just us.
Erica (breathy): Really? Alright. I – I’m sorry. Now, to Capitol Hill. Michele Norris and Tad Martin bring us the latest.
Michele Norris: House Speaker John Boehner continued attacking President Obama’s new jobs plan as –
Tad Martin: Michelle, are you trying to seduce me?
Michele Norris: No Tad, this is how I always talk when I’m broadcasting.
Tad Martin: Oh, sorry! What, did you take elocution lessons from Erica?
Michele Norris: Again Tad, no. This is simply my professional speaking voice.
Tad Martin: Interesting. What do you sound like off the air?
Michele Norris: Phyllis Diller, I’m told.
Tad Martin: You know who else you remind me of? My old high school girlfriend’s mom, Mrs. Colby. What a voice. That’s why I couldn’t resist sleeping with both of them.
Michele Norris: Thank you, Tad. I should still be hosting with Robert, don’t you think? Instead of Erica?
Tad Martin: Oooh. I’m not getting in the middle of that one, but I can’t wait for the catfight between you two.
Michele Norris: That will be next Friday, the last story.
Robert Siegel: The crisis continues at Japan’s crippled Fukushima Daiichi nuclear plant. Anthony Kuhn reports from Tokyo.
SFX: Door crashing open.
Jackson Montgomery: Wait! Don’t talk to him!
Erica Kane: Well my goodness Jack, the door wasn’t locked, you didn’t have to knock it down. What is it?
Jackson Montgomery: Erica, remember when you asked me whatever happened to Alan Alda? Well he’s been in Asia! Anthony Kuhn is Alan Alda!
Erica Kane: That’s impossible.
Jackson Montgomery: Wait – remember that geeky kid who secretly videotaped the NPR fundraiser with fake Muslim donors, forcing the CEO of NPR to resign?
Robert Siegel: James O’Keefe has been completely discredited. He edited that tape, Jack.
Jackson Montgomery: But he just released another videotape of Anthony Kuhn to prove he’s Alan Alda, and that NPR reporters are all part of a vast liberal conspiracy to bring Americans the only decent daily broadcast journalism in the country!
Robert Siegel: Oh my God. Did he go after Eleanor Beardsley too?
Jackson Montgomery: Yes! She’s really Sarah Vowell!
Erica Kane: Then that means . . .
Robert Siegel: Yes. Peter Overby is David Sedaris.
–
Comments welcome.
Posted on September 23, 2011