By Scott Buckner
Reality TV as conceived by our writer. First in an occasional series.
The Concept
Losers and Bartenders compete against each other in a last-man-standing contest to Get Laid and win $1 million to be split between the winning hook-up couple. Contestants on both sides of The Bar try to sabotage– while trying to appeal to – each other in a challenge larger than even the creators of Survivor could possibly dream up because real life is even more disappointing than this.
Airing Network
In the end, Fox will be the clear winner, although CBS and FX will duke it out with them early during project development. FX will be the early favorite for being the only network least likely to bleep out all the offensive language and back-room sex caught on the video cameras bolted to the ceiling of each room in The Bar, but the network will drop out when their suits point out the liability of having plenty-enough drunks already with ongoing Denis Leary and Minnie Driver projects. Fox will ultimately endure after it makes CSI‘s William Petersen an offer he can’t refuse sweetened with a 10-year agreement to intermittently air reruns of Murder, She Wrote in place of Cops on Saturday nights just to fuck with everyone.
The Teams
Four teams of four contestants each, meaning an overwhelming number of divide-and-conquer possibilities. This provides higher-than-usual suspense possibilities that could easily be milked to carry this series well past Armageddon.
The Home Team (The Tenders)
On the back side of The Bar is The Tenders, a team of ordinary-looking but at the same time incredibly hot local female bartenders dressed simply in jeans and a sponsoring-bar T-shirt that calls attention to their assets. The object is to get hit on the most by The Customers while raking in the most tips for service. drink mixing and, um, presentation.
The Visiting Team (The Customers)
You’d think the producers wouldn’t even have to have national tryouts for this team, but still. Despite their outward demeanors, each Customer making the show has his dark side or natural charm that could actually make a Tender actually want to take him home. Their personalities just get in the way of that.
The possibilities would be endless: Virgin College Guy, Stupid Drunk Budweiser-Drinking Motherfucker Who Wants To Kick Everyone’s Ass Whether They Deserve It Or Not Guy, Quiet Guy, Attractive Silver Fox Guy Who Still Loves His Dead Wife, Friendly But Short-Fused Biker Guy, Miserable Married Guy, Maybe Gay Guy, Obviously Gay Guy, Loud Jagoff Guy, and Just Plain Crazy Motherfucker Guy Nobody Wants To Fuck With Anyway.
Pick your favorite and stick with him; Lord knows there’s a reason their real-life wives and girlfriends do.
Unlike other reality shows, The Customers are not stuck in a house together because, quite frankly, they’d just fucking kill each other within two minutes, even sober.
Surprise Contestant Bonuses
Coke residue off the top of the toilet tank in the stall, dropped $20 bills on the floor, unlimited free Super Search Internet jukebox access, a bottomless supply of Slim Jims and pork rinds, an electronic cash register with no accounting system, and the occasional skank imported from the nearest strip joint are among the strategically-placed surprise extras sprung onto all contestants by the show’s producers.
The Quaint Parting Line
“Out you pixies go” would be way too easy, even for unoriginal TV programmers, so contestants voted off the show by The Tenders are told, “Thanks baby; see you later” after being tipped. On the surface, this might seem to be a rather innocuous bartender statement, but if you’ve ever forked over $30 in tips because you think the bartender has been flirting with you all night, it can be one of the more cruelly-effective lines ever spoken.
The Venue
Forget glitz and glamour. This show calls for some genuinely gnarly, ill-lit (but still well-patronized by the locals who actually have decent jobs) but somewhat upscale neighborhood shot-and-beer joint. Forget sets constructed by the same designer who brought this season’s version of The Contender to life by transforming the back of some dank, smelly boxing gym into an artificially-livable space that looks better than it actually is with buckets of curly bamboo sticks, painted temporary wood panels with hanging art from Target, and a pool table. No, this has to be a clean working man’s bar scouted straight out of the Rust Belt or the Corn Belt, except without guys like Mr. Gower walking in like the joint was Nick’s Place to get zapped in the face with a big shot from the seltzer bottle.
The cleanliness of the men’s room, however, is completely hit or miss.
The Network Upside
Producers of the program defray costs and buy dinner and drinks for themselves by going halfsies with the local cops on DUI-charge bail and bribe cash put up by Losers snagged weaving out of The Bar parking lot. It’s a major win-win for everyone except The Losers because, well, they’re losers.
Why It’s Better Than The Biggest Loser
Let Kirstie Alley worry about the overweight. This is reality TV at its best, because every breathing adult outside the Amish community who has walked into a bar thinking they might get lucky has been witness to exactly the sort of crash-and-burn this program would promise. Or woken up next to one. Sometimes repeatedly.
The Concession Speech
Ryan Seacrest hangs out in the parking lot to interview Loser Contestants on the way to their cars.
Corporate Ad Sponsorship
Drunk.com (Motto: “By drunks, for drunks”), Divorce Net, Trojan, The Mellow Drunk Band, and a whole slew of local attorneys wanting to help uninsured drivers get an SR-22.
Prediction For Success In A Reality TV Bites World
A far longer run than Cheaters, a show still pretty popular among folks who love watching a good crash-and-burn.
Posted on October 1, 2007