Chicago -
By The Beachwood Reality TV Affairs Desk
Recent unsurprising news that Jon and Kate Gosselin had long lived apart and came together only to stage episodes of their terminally boring TV show is nothing compared to the revelations that will rock the reality TV world this coming season.
Little People, Big World: It turns out that Matt and Amy Roloff aren’t really dwarves. If you remove the camera filters, they look like this.
Posted on September 14, 2009
By Scott Buckner
Okay, you know you’ve been unemployed far too long when Judge Mathis, Judge Joe Brown, AND Cheaters start repeating themselves for, like, the 290th time since the end of April. That’s when you know it’s time to switch gears to something else, like whatever else revolves around the dial during and after the Kathie Lee Gifford and Hoda Kotbe segment of Today.
Look – I’m pretty old, so I can say without much damage to my local reputation that Kathy Lee Gifford is pretty fucking hot and well worth watching, especially since she got a new hairstyle. But still, I’m young enough – and maybe haven’t had my nesting instincts divorce-lawyered out of me yet – to appreciate WTTW’s presentation of the subtle charms of Katie Brown and her workshop, the forgotten-chick member of ABBA cooking lutefisk and whatnot on the banks of Lake Ikea, or the fuzzy-headed landscape painter dude who never noticed that 1977 and the tour bus carrying his trumpet and the Average White Band took off without him.
Which brings me to Thursday’s presentation of The Martha Stewart Show.
Posted on September 11, 2009
By The Beachwood 24/7 Affairs Desk
Even worse than you’d think.
*
3:30 p.m.: Sex-a-Holics
4:30 p.m.: Slut Initiation: Out/Control
6 pm.: Slutty Lover Girls
7:30 p.m.: Fresh Jugs 2
Posted on August 9, 2009
By Scott Buckner
Most people have hailed the invention of the DVR for its ability to fast-forward through commercials. But I’m not most people, so even if I could afford a DVR, I’d hail it as something that lets me take a better look at commercials because, believe me, asbestos-induced lung disease, drugs gone wild, filing for bankruptcy, or being ass-ended while I’m minding my own business sitting in my car at a red light are about the only bright spots standing between being broke and being homeless for guys who have been unemployed a lot longer than I have.
Still, I remain cheerful enough on a daily basis to ponder whether some commercials are just examples of the kind of reckless excess that makes this country a target for radical extremists from other nations who have never known the soothing ahhhhhhhhhh of a Sleep Number bed, or whether they’re actually useful shit that could make life better for everyone, just like those little rubber mat thingamajigs that make opening jars so easy. You decide.
Posted on August 4, 2009
By Scott Buckner
There’s a point during every network TV season where we’d have little problem throwing up our hands, turning our television sets into fish tanks, and joining the Amish. Or if we were really disgusted about things, become total Luddites living in cardboard refrigerator boxes in the woods next door to the Unabomber’s old hovel. I believe I’ve moved closer to that point with Fox’s More To Love, a reality-contest show about a guy built like a linebacker in search of love and happiness with a woman built like a linebacker.
In this age of political correctness, I’m not exactly sure how to address this show beyond my friend Kathy’s description of, “Holy shit! It’s chubby-chaser TV!” It’s not that there’s anything terribly wrong with giving a national TV audience to a guy like Luke Conley, a real estate developer who proclaims on the show’s promos, “If she’s got a big behind, she’s a friend of mine!” I can see how Luke might think some women might find sentiment like this endearing, but paying homage a woman’s expansive booty even in complimentary ways like this is like saying, “She really fits if she’s got big tits!”
Posted on July 30, 2009
By Scott Buckner
You’d think after almost 20 years of being on for an hour at the same time every Saturday night, we’d be sick of Cops. But we’re not. Sure, copping is tough business, but I think the real reason why Cops still hasn’t worn out its welcome is because week after week, the show illuminates one enduring, immutable fact:
People are fucking stupid. And boy, do we love stupid people.
Posted on July 28, 2009
By Scott Buckner
If you’ve been feeling lately like Fox has been neglecting its commitment to the verbal torture of the lazy, the clueless, and the inept, you might be happy to know that Chef Gordon Ramsay is back with a sixth season of Hell’s Kitchen, a show that had become predictable in just about every way ranging from the cheftestants themselves, the head-to-head competitions, and the stinking or menial chores the competition losers are forced to endure.
So why did unappreciative ingrates like me keep tuning in every week? For the gasket-blowin’, meat-throwin’, trash-can-kickin’, bitch-slappin’ verbal abuse nobody else on TV has tried using as a motivational tool since Gunnery Sgt. Hartman met Pvt. Leonard Lawrence and his fellow worthless maggots in Full Metal Jacket.
Posted on July 24, 2009
By The Special Guests Publicity Service
While the immense and still growing popularity of reality television has been a surprise in the entertainment industry, the cycle of its evolution has not. Just like with other genres, the proliferation of reality TV seems to be moving producers to push the envelope with each new series . . . hence, programs that seek to glorify or exploit promiscuous behavior, divorce and, though denied by a judge, corrupt Illinois governors.
In the end, however, this sets the stage for originality that is much more positive and uplifting, which is precisely what audiences can expect from Inspired Ambition, a new reality TV series from Cloud Ten Pictures.
Posted on July 14, 2009
