By Don Jacobson

As a TV viewer, I have a lot of rules. All of these rules must be strictly met or the corporate Hollywood types who blithely assume I’m a typical drooling idiot out here in flyover country are never going to get the satisfaction of adding me to their roster of patsies. So, given that the stakes are so high, I have a load of conditions that must be overcome for me to actually invest even an ounce of loyalty to a network TV show.
This is especially true with comedies.

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Posted on March 29, 2006

What It Is: An air mattress that turns into a couch–and other stuff.
Such As: The five-in-one sofa bed also folds into some kind of beach chair and can be used as a “high-rise sleeper” for children.
Quote: “Get off the floor and suffer no more! The future of relaxation has finally arrived!”
Science: Every seam is electronically fused. It works because of Air-O-Space’s “advances” in weightless load technology.

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Posted on March 21, 2006

Who: Jack and Rexella Van Impe (pronounced Van Imp-ee)
Alias: The Walking Bible
Where: Troy, MI
Organization: Jack Van Impe Ministries
Founded: 1948

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Posted on March 14, 2006

The real intrigue of this year’s Oscar awards was never about which film would win Best Picture or who would wear something embarrassing or just how crappy the stage patter would be. No, the real intrigue this year, quite simply, was: “How will Jon Stewart do?”
My answer: Better as the show went on, but generally lousy. (Beachwood TV/Movie Editor Don Jacobson disagrees, as you can read below.) I suspect Stewart was saddled with Oscar show hacks, not his Daily Show writers, because his jokes fell flat–and deserved to. (Exception: When Stewart wondered if pulling down the giant Oscar statue would liberate Hollywood.)
My suggestion for next year: Let Lily Tomlin and Meryl Streep co-host. They gave the evening’s best performance–and with a comic device that could have simply been tiring.
(And don’t invite Ben Stiller back; his green screen joke came about as close to being funny as George Bush came to seeing Brokeback Mountain.)
In fact, the best parts of the show didn’t occur on the stage (and I’m not talking about the film clips either). The filmed opening mocking the Academy’s inability to find a host for the show, including appearances the gaggle of stars who apparently turned the job down (including Billy Crystal, Chris Rock, Steve Martin, David Letterman, Whoopi Goldberg) was dead-on, and perfectly self-aware.

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Posted on March 5, 2006

Will the TV- and movie-viewing public ever tire of police dramas? Or are cops and robbers the gift that keeps on giving to the entertainment industry?
Sid Smith of the Tribune took up the case recently in “Murder, They Wrote: Police TV Shows Are All The Rage, And Here’s Why,” noting that during a week of watching crime dramas he tallied “four murders, three abductions, one serial hate-crime streak and a poisoning by LSD,” noting as well that, “Thanks to a ‘Cold Case,’ a 1994 suicide got reclassified as a homicide.”
Smith seems disturbed by this–and perhaps he should be–but he is unconvincing in seeing change in the air. “Despite . . . this season’s ratings bonanza for crime shows, there are signs the inevitable shift in the wind is stirring,” Smith writes. “After resting at the top of the heap all fall, CSI actually lost the No. 1 ratings spot in recent weeks to the return of American Idol.”
The ascension of the runaway train that is American Idol to the top of the ratings is hardly a cultural signpost that the police show is falling out of favor, though.

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Posted on March 2, 2006

1. In the Heat of the Night: In bits and pieces, as I’ve seen it a million times but remains an all-time favorite. In this Southern race drama revolving around a mysterious murder, Rod Steiger and Sidney Poitier give perfect performances of complex characters who don’t seem as if they could be more different yet function as mirrors to each other as they are forced to face up to and question their deepest beliefs and attitudes.
2. American Idol: Look, I was working while it was on. This is the first season I’ve really watched the show, although last season I watched the opener, and we all know the show is at its best when the contestants are the worst. Now the contestants are maddening because they actually take themselves seriously–and America seems to as well.
3. Don Knotts Remembered/Larry King Live: Andy Griffith explained why Knotts left The Andy Griffith Show show after its fifth season. Griffith had previously told Knotts he would only do the show for five years. So when the fifth season rolled around, Knotts started looking for work and ended up signing a movie deal with Universal. Then Griffith decided to stay on. Knotts was screwed. And so was the The Andy Griffith Show. While the program continued for three more years, and finished number one in its last season, the loss of Knotts broke Griffith’s heart. “When Don left, the show lost its heart,” Griffith said.
Fun facts:
– Don Knotts’s daughter, Karen, doesn’t look a thing like him.
– Jim Nabors lives in Hawaii, largely retired except for a couple singing gigs a year.
– Steve Rhodes

Posted on March 2, 2006

I watched Inside Polygamy – per The Beachwood Reporter’s recommendation. I was mostly rewarded.

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Posted on February 26, 2006

Who: Joyce Meyer.
Organization: Joyce Meyer Ministries.
Financial statement:“Joyce Meyer Ministries, Inc. is governed by an independent Board of Directors, the majority of whom are not staff members or relatives of the Meyer family.” Italics mine.
Book: Look Great, Feel Great, out March 1, 2006.
Website Quote: “There is no place in your future for your past. Find out how to escape from the memory of life’s disappointments and let the Lord raise the roof on your dreams.”

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Posted on February 25, 2006

What It Is: A ladder system.
Best Description: It’s really 24 ladders in one – it’s like having an entire garage of ladders.
Shills: Richard Karn, Tim Allen’s co-host on Home Improvement’s “Tool Time.” A woman named Robin Hartl.

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Posted on February 25, 2006