Chicago -
By Pat Bataillon
I am through with all the pompous commercials I have been seeing as of late. I wrote about “Macrimination” recently, and that was just the beginning of this new onslaught of unbearable advertising. I still don’t get those new Lexus commercials, and all those commercials with that Verizon ass really need to go. And what’s the deal with those jewelry outfits, Jared and Kay?
Posted on December 5, 2006
By Pat Bataillon
Murder By the Book
Court TV
Court TV puts what it calls some of America’s “best” crime writers on camera to talk about real-life cases that either got them started in crime fiction or inspired them throughout their careers.
Their list includes James Ellroy, Michael Connelly, Faye Kellerman, Jonathan Kellerman, and Lisa Scottoline. As for America’s “best”, there are some noticeable gaps there, but I guess not everyone who writes murder mysteries has an interest in self-promotion.
The show itself is wildly uneven. The series opener, repeated last night, starred James Ellroy, who is riveting as he narrated his own life story and the murder of his own mother in a suburb of Los Angeles when he was ten years old. Ellroy himself comes across as troubled and enigmatic. He and a retired cop criss-cross the area, follow up every lead in the long-cold case, and ultimately realize that nearly everybody on the witness and suspect list has long since died. But Ellroy, who has hated his mother all his life, comes to realize that the point of his search for her killer isn’t the real point. He simply has to “find” his mother, and come to terms with who she was. He wrote about the story in his book My Dark Places and claims that the Court TV segment is the last time he’ll ever speak of it.
Posted on December 1, 2006
By Pat Bataillon
I watched a little of that Real World last night and really found it annoying, so I got on my computer and did some holiday shopping. So I didn’t really watch any television worth writing about last night. The only thing I can think about to comment on is the incessant sobbing on the Real World.
Posted on November 30, 2006
By Pat Bataillon
Monday nights and still nothing on the television and that is too bad. I would like to ask the readers of this fine little column, however, to start watching The Real World Denver. This show will definitely serve as my Thursday morning outlet for the rest of the season.
To bring you up to speed, there is a gay guy, two sluts, a girl who doesn’t talk too much, a white “cool” guy, a Bible beater, and a huge guy from Omaha. You can already see the problems facing this place. Gay rights, racism, sexual promiscuity, a mental disorder (only a matter of time) and we’ll have another hit on MTV.
Posted on November 28, 2006
By Pat Bataillon
This being the week of Thanksgiving, I want to take this opportunity to thank all the shows that have actually entertained me this season: It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, The Office, and . . . well, that’s it.
As far as the other shows out there are concerned, I want to thank them for making this column so much fun to write. Let us give thanks, then, to the following:
WWF. This brilliant soap opera includes near-naked women and muscular men with limited brainpower – just like the real world! This show appeals to a demographic who think with their Budweiser and pot rather than with their head. Thank you also, WWF, for your twisted take on masculinity.
All metal-related hows on The Discovery Channel. Similiar to WWF, except these programs tend to show some progress by their end. Furthermore, this show appeals a wide demographic because everyone likes metal.
Posted on November 22, 2006
By Pat Bataillon
Monday nights have been a trouble spot for me the last few months; at one time the programming got so bad I decided to never write Tuesday columns again. But a friend recommended that I view a television show about the Carter family, so here I am.
Apparently, this show is about Aaron Carter and his brothers and sisters. Aaron Carter is famous for being, I think, the little brother of a Backstreet Boy. The Backstreet Boys were guys who danced and made teen-age girls excited about life. The Backstreet Boys were popular for a while but now they have faded into obscurity.
I did not watch the show, but I think I get the idea. It’s kind of like Meet the Barkers or The Osbournes or the one with that Kiss guy or that guy from the Partridge Family with all the mental problems.
Posted on November 21, 2006
By Pat Bataillon
Modern Marvels: Metal made me magnify my mental magnificence; moreover, my magical mindset mirrored manifestations. Accordingly, amazing alliteration ability as an amusing act assumes asinine accountability.
So this is where I wandered to after The Office last night. The Office is a great show and the pudding was there last night for you to sample. After The Office abandoned me I was faced with a void. There was 30 Rock and the unknown. I went with the unknown.
Yes, that Tina woman from Saturday Night Live is on the 30 Rock program. I do not think she is all that funny. She is frequently praised for being the first head female writer on SNL. Congratulations, you were the head writer on a show that has not been funny in five years.
Posted on November 17, 2006
By Pat Bataillon
I watched A Few Good Men last night and it wasn’t all it’s cracked up to be.
Posted on November 16, 2006
By Pat Bataillon
Dog the Bounty Hunter. I can’t believe it has taken me this long to get to it. Dog is the name of the man in the show. He has a wife and a brother and a couple of cousins or maybe they are his kids but nonetheless they all work together to catch crooks living in Hawaii. Yes, and they all wear black from head to toe and some of them wear tribal beads and necklaces. I’ll get to the black thing in a sentence or two but the tribal headdress and necklaces must come first.
Tribal ornaments are usually meant for the members of a tribe and I find it dubious that this Dog character is a member of any tribe other than his family. Some families have crests and traditions and some even dress their kids to match the parents, but to each his own. Now, the black thing. Black must signify the stealth that Dog and his pack must have to maneuver the tough streets of Hawaii. And to intimidate the tough guys they come upon.
Think about it. If a man and his family broke down your door dressed in black outfits without sleeves holding handcuffs and yelling, you would be a little intimidated. I sure would be, however, if anyone broke down my door I would be a little stressed.
So, dressed in sleeveless outfits and talking into walky-talkies, they hunt down these violent offenders, excuse me parole violators charged with drug possession a month or so ago. Usually, these offenders are usually high on the same type of drug they were put on parole for and relatively sedated, therefore, easily apprehended. However, when the doors break down and the pepper spray is pointed at them and
handcuffs are put on the offender, it is really exciting. Justice is served. And yes, I did say pepper spray instead of guns a blazin’. See, in Hawaii it is illegal for a bounty hunter to have a gun. So, a word to a would-be probation-breaker in Hawaii: Carry a gun.
Posted on November 15, 2006
