It’s an as-seen-on-TV product with a cloak of over-the-counter innocence.
Posted on February 9, 2007
Esteban’s Master Class Cutaway Guitar Package
I wish I could hear Esteban’s students play, but his backing musicians are too loud.
What It Is: A 22-piece set that includes a handmade acoustic-electric guitar, packaged with accessories and instructional DVDs featuring rugged guitar veteran Esteban. It also includes a guitar chord poster, strings, picks and a cleaning cloth.
Description: In principle, not too much different from the guitar starter kits you might see at a Guitar Center or, frankly, K-Mart.
Quote: “This man has touched nearly a half-million lives with his amazing guitar packages!”
Posted on January 30, 2007
Youthful Essence By Susan Lucci
You can put your best face forward, but it’ll still leave you feeling inadequate.
What it is: A personal microdermabrasion system. Not to mention Susan Lucci’s beauty (that being a flexible term for our purposes) secret.
Posted on December 11, 2006
Urban Rebounding
Bouncing on a trampoline is just kid stuff until you learn to harness those G-forces.
What It Is: A small trampoline and a series of videos that teach you how to do a variety of exercises with it. A detachable stabilizing bar helps you stay on the trampoline.
Posted on November 12, 2006
The Magic Bullet
It’s got the ease of microwave food, but lets you pretend you’re a real cook.
Posted on October 3, 2006
Bella Vista Village
What It Is: Northwest Arkansas’ premier planned community.
Description: An overwhelming cornucopia of residential property, recreational lakes (eight of them, fully stocked with fish) and golf (126 holes).
Posted on July 18, 2006
The Total Living Drink
What It Is: “Arguably the World’s Greatest Supplement!”
Description: A rock-solid foundation of nutrition built upon a whole-food super-food formula.
Quote: “Probiotics devour yeast in the intestine!”
Shills: Joe Costello, a sturdy-looking old fellow with silvery, thinning hair; Two women in their late 40s or so who look like aging Realtors, one wearing some kind of huge medallion on a choker.
Politics: Religious right.
Set and Costume: Joe and Friends plug their nutritious catch-all in the kitchen of what appears to be a model luxury home they are borrowing for the weekend. Later they will host an open house. Their outfits are bright and business-casual. Joe wears some kind of turtleneck with a zipper that starts halfway up the chest.
Posted on June 1, 2006
Optionetics
What It Is: A system of investing.
Description: A system of investing that makes money, as opposed to losing money. Apparently, the name “Optionetics” is the marriage of “options” and “pathetic.”
Shills: George Fontanills, whose qualifications include appearances in stock footage for CNN and CNBC. Grace Carter quarterbacks the Optionetics effort from behind an anchor desk complete with fake stock ticker running in the background. If you watch carefully, you’ll see the ticker runs from the same point during each Grace Carter appearance.
Set and costume: Carter appears svelte in business attire. Fontanills has exercised too many “put” options at the buffet.
Patriot Act: The background imagery during Carter’s hard-hitting “interview” with Fontanills includes the United States Treasury building and an American flag. Not included: Footage of Alexander Hamilton rolling over in his grave.
Quote: “Make money no matter if the market is going up, going down, or going sideways.”
Posted on May 1, 2006
The Air-O-Space Sofa Bed
What It Is: An air mattress that turns into a couch–and other stuff.
Such As: The five-in-one sofa bed also folds into some kind of beach chair and can be used as a “high-rise sleeper” for children.
Quote: “Get off the floor and suffer no more! The future of relaxation has finally arrived!”
Science: Every seam is electronically fused. It works because of Air-O-Space’s “advances” in weightless load technology.
Posted on March 21, 2006
The Little Giant Ladder
What It Is: A ladder system.
Best Description: It’s really 24 ladders in one – it’s like having an entire garage of ladders.
Shills: Richard Karn, Tim Allen’s co-host on Home Improvement’s “Tool Time.” A woman named Robin Hartl.
Posted on February 25, 2006