By Natasha Julius
Sample Ballot
Vote early and often; after all, it probably won’t count anyway.
Line #1: The Race for Illinois Governor
Judy Baar Topinka. Rod Blagojevich. Rich Whitney. Marry, shag or kill?
A. Marry Topinka, shag Whitney, kill Blagojevich
B. Marry Blagojevich, shag Whitney, kill Topinka
C. Marry Whitney, shag Topinka, kill Blagojevich
D. Marry Whitney, shag Blagojevich, kill myself
Line #2: The Changing Tide
If the Democrats wrest control of the House from the Republicans on Tuesday, it will be a triumph of:
A. War over Wallet
B. Center over Extreme
C. Container over Content
D. Gays over God
E. Oh, whatever
Line #3: Judgement Day in Iraq
A verdict is expected this weekend in the trial of former Iraqi president Saddam Hussein. Considering the serious nature of the charges against him and the possibility of a capital sentence, Saddam will be found:
A. Guilty
B. Not Guilty
C. Dead in his holding cell
D. Hanging out in the Northwest Frontier with his Weapons of Mass Destruction.
Line #4: Last Scandal in Paris
It’s the end of days, the final push before the mid-term election. What last-minute conservative admission will rock the Republican party ranks?
A. Ted Haggard admits he snorted meth but never inhaled
B. Mark Foley admits snorting meth off congressional page
C. Bob Ney admits snorting meth off Jack Abramoff
D. Halliburton given no-bid contract for meth labs in Iraq
E. Mary Cheney comes out as straight
Line #5: Marching to Perfection
With a mix of <ahref=”http: sports-att.espn.go.com=”” nfl=”” teams=”” schedule?team=”chi”” target=”_blank”>pushovers and potential contenders on their schedules the next few weeks, which will be the last undefeated team in the NFL?
A. Da Bears
B. I don’t know; Peyton’s looking pretty good
C. DA Bearsdabearsdabears
D. Dude, quit saying that
E. DAAAAAAA Bearsdabearsdabearsdabears
Line #6: Next in Line
With Ali G. retired, Borat in theaters and a Bruno film reportedly in the works, what ingenius character will Sacha Baron Cohen develop next to make Americans uncomfortable?
A. Ron Ruse, awkwardly non-gay film star
B. Benny Bastert, awkwardly incumbent Illinois politician
C. Osama bin Laden
Line #7: Dictator Deathmatch
Who’s your money on?
A. Kim Jong-il
B. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
C. Than Shwe
D. Kanye
Natasha Julius has completed her early voting; she is now working on the often part. For additional assistance in the voting booth, see The Beachwood Election Guide To Throwing The Bums Out And Smashing The Machine. Catch up on the week’s Papers and The Weekend Desk Report archive here.
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Posted on November 4, 2006