By Natasha Julius
EDITOR’S NOTE:
Stephen Colbert has been spotted in Chicago. Read about it in The [Political] Papers: A Colbert Report.
The [Sunday] Papers will be posted shortly.
The [Monday] Papers will be posted shortly thereafter.
In the meantime, here are the stories we kept an eye on for you this weekend. Our other eye was on the ponies.
Another Mission Accomplished
Apparently CIA chief Porter Goss has completed the Herculean task of reforming the agency in a mere 18 months. Or perhaps we should say he has presided over the end the major reform operations. No official acknowledgement yet as to the CIA being in a state of civil war; perhaps the administration has been too busy blaming the media for not reporting the good stories coming out of the CIA to notice.
Intervention
Saying he was mindful of other high-profile people who have wrestled similar demons, congressman Patrick Kennedy announced he is seeking treatment at the Mayo Clinic for his incredibly jacked-up hair. We wish him the best of luck for a full and speedy recovery. With the proper care and attention, he could be marked for greatness.
Mutually Reassuring Destructive Tendencies
A hearty thank you to Vice President Dick Cheney for busting out the administration’s new approach to foreign policy, the Nostalgia Doctrine. The threat of nuclear attack was much easier to cope with when the other side didn’t really mean it. But Porter Goss’s decision to accompany the new doctrine with briefings for the vice president that used old Movietone newsreels instead of more contemporaneous news sources may have played a role in his undoing.
Ancient Relic Rises From Ruin
Archeologists this week were forced to postpone the planned excavation of one of England’s oldest and most mysterious cultural sites when it was discovered the ancient wreck had checked itself out of the hospital. Long thought to be abandoned, the prehistoric ruin now appears to have never stopped since unknown peoples first started it up.
One Flu Over the Cuckoo’s Nest
All those who’ve been living in mortal fear of the avian flu were calmed to learn today that when potentially infected birds reach North American shores, they will be greeted by a solitary dude with binoculars. More help is expected soon as the Bush Administration moves to privatize FEMA.
Posted on May 8, 2006