By Natasha Julius
The stories we’re tracking this weekend so you don’t have to.
Market Update
Governmental Transparency slumped to record lows this week as the smart money flooded into Craven Bipartisanship. Meanwhile, it appears despite widespread market volatility, Brownie is still doing a heck of a job.
High Overhead
In somewhat related news, the current alleged cash crunch that has utterly devastated the maintenance of Frank Kruesi’s hair looks set to ease. While the State of Illinois has refused to divert funds from the jacking-up of Governor Blagojevich’s ‘do, Kruesi seems confident that a major drain on the federal hair budget may soon be on the outs.
Nonsense and Sensibility
Good news for plastic stars and the bloggers that love them: you’re officially never too old or too dead to have a little work done.
And Flights of Pink Angels Sing Thee to Thy Rest
In somewhat related news, the former lover of deceased plastic starlet Anna Nicole Smith has trademarked the phrase, “Goodnight, My Sweet Anna Baby,” which he claims Smith forced him to say to her every night. No word yet on whether everyone with a high school diploma will challenge the exclusivity of the quote, claming their 10th grade English teachers forced them to say a remarkably similar phrase.
Wal-Hearts Aflame
Wal-Mart has emerged from the shadow of its failed bank charter bid undeterred. The mega-retailer’s lust for expansion has already lead to a successful co-opting of NASA’s wildly popular bizarre love triangle brand. Analysts predict Wal-Mart may soon look to levy its own gross-receipts business tax or possibly detain a National Guard detachment.
Posted on March 24, 2007