Weekend Desk Report Editor Natasha Julius is on assignment. The Baker–Hamilton Commission filed this report for us instead.
Worse Than We Thought
The whole world was watching this week as a long-awaited report delivered the bad news: The situation on the ground is “grave and deteriorating.” Events are outrunning our ability to control them.
Earth Study Group
Three ancient gods have decided to come out of retirement in an effort to bail out George W. Bush as a favor to his father, whom the gods befriended in Skull & Bones at Yale.
Animated & Confused
Lilo & Stitch pledged to do their part for world peace by asking Al Gore for help with their lingerie shopping. Because, like, he so totally would, if we just asked.
New World Order
A coup was successfully staged at the United Nations this week, and a new world government was formed.
Coup Deux
A coup was also successfully staged in the Junior United Nations country of Fiji. The World Coup Committee convened an emergency session to revise its rankings of all-time best revolutionary names. The results:
1. Commodore Frank Bainimarama
2. Sukarno
3. Generalisimo Francisco Paulino Hermenegildo Teodulo Franco y Bahamonde Salgado Pardo
4. That Guy On All The T-shirts
5. Jacob Sechler Coxey, Sr.
6. Pol Pot
7. Subcommandante Marcos
8. Kossuth
9. Kwame Ture
10. Samuel Adams
Counter-revolution
The comeback is going as planned.
My Son the Mummy
Egyptians found a 4,000-year-old mummy of a doctor this week.
A) With the body of a 3,970-year-old.
B) And you thought your residency was tough.
C) Pyramid-calls were once the norm.
D) And boy is she proud.
Border Patrol
Taco Bell has removed onions from its menu items in the wake of an E. coli outbreak. Authorities suspect the onions were tainted by a disgruntled ex-employee.
Vice Presidential
Dick Cheney welcomes a son-in-law to the family.
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Catch up on the rest of the week’s news in The Papers. And stay tuned to E! for breaking developments on the world stage.
Posted on December 9, 2006