By Natasha Julius
Man, do you remember when all we had to worry about was whether or not we should ask Iran to the prom? Good times.
Market Update
While the U.S. exchanges enjoyed a short week of trading due to the holiday, the bottom fell out of the Asian securities market. Despite repeated assurances from supposed experts it turns out long-range missile tests are a huge fucking deal after all.
Double Duty
President Bush took a moment to reassure Americans that our Alaskan early-warning system would certainly identify any successful test of the Taepo-Dong 2, despite his preoccupation with other recent developments.
Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang
Russian President Vladimir Putin weighed in on the biggest story of the week, saying he feels the North Korean missile crisis should be handled through diplomacy rather than force. Putin personally volunteered to use his favorite negotiating technique of lifting Kim Jong-il’s shirt and blowing an affectionate raspberry on his tummy. Apparently, this breeds good will.
World Cut-and-Run Soccer
To the surprise of few who follow international politics, the FIFA World Cup Final comes down to a struggle between the rest of the world and the Coalition of the Willing. Somewhat predictably, the Coalition has been beating up on itself throughout the tournament. While some may note France’s well-established history for wilting under attack, we think a frustrated and increasingly defensive Italy may eventually pack up its troops and go home.
Layed to Rest
In accordance with well-established corporate policies, deceased former Enron executive Kenneth Lay’s family announced plans to destroy any evidence of his ever having lived. No word yet on plans to distribute the ashes.
Safer Streets
Finally this week, the FBI announced the foiling of a plot to disrupt the transportation network of a major American city. However, officials downplayed the threat, noting that the plans to disrupt traffic patterns and cause widespread chaos were badly flawed and certainly no better than what local transportation agencies could’ve dreamed up.
Posted on July 7, 2006