By Andrew Reilly
In a way, they’re doing everything exactly according to plan.
They have two great starting pitchers.
They have a woefully underachieving designated hitter.
They have two lousy outfielders.
They have a pair of major problems in the bullpen.
Except, you know, none of those are the right problems executed in the manner expected of them, instead entirely misplaced and made all the worse by leaving nothing better in their wake. That should’ve been Andruw Jones costing the team run after run after run, not Carlos Quentin. That should’ve been Scott Linebrink and Randy Williams softly tossing clay pigeons, not J.J. Putz and Bobby Jenks. That should’ve been Alexei Ramirez regressing as both a hitter and a fielder, not . . . wait, scratch that one.
But really, all they have to do is keep doing exactly what they’ve been doing, except do it even less. Move Alex Rios to the leadoff spot to get that much-needed speedy on-base percentage action at the top. Upgrade the infield defense by moving Juan Pierre to third, because he can’t possibly be a bigger liability than Mark Teahen. Bat Paul Konerko second so there’s someone on base once the theoretically powerful heart of the order comes up. Move the newly unreliable Gavin Floyd to the bullpen, the newly finesse-devoted Jenks to the rotation, the newly abysmal A.J. Pierzynski to Charlotte – shake it up! All of it! Because, come on, what’s the worst that could happen? Humiliation? Defeat? Abysmal attendance? Please. Those things have tried to stop these White Sox and those things have failed like so many corner outfielders flailing desperately towards a fly ball just out of reach. Let those other teams have their pointless runs and hollow victories; these White Sox have moved on such pedestrian endeavors.
Let us hope and pray the rest of the league soon follows suit, as conspiratorial indifference may be our last hope.
Week in Review: Negatory. Take two of three from the Royals, but then drop three of four to the Blue Jays for a good old-fashioned week of .428 ball. Fantastic.
Week in Preview: Rivalrous. The Sox make their first trip to Target Field for a two-game miniseries against the twins (with a chance to either make up [or only lose a little] ground), then head to Kansas City for three against the Royals (with a chance to prove themselves as either totally average or completely hopeless).
Hawkeroo’s Can-O-Corn Watch: “And that was the thing, with playing all those games in that dome, I don’t care you who have out there, you could field eight pairs of cleats and a big ol’ bag of dirt, but as long as Joe Mauer was calling the games and Ron Gardenhire was over there in the dugout, you could’ve given me a ten-run lead and I wouldn’t have said I’d win. But you take guys like these Twins have had, I remember Torii Hunter, still one of the best center fielders to ever play the game, Luis Rivas probably going to go down as one of the greats, even Lew Ford, who for my money was second at his job then only to what Denard Span is relative to his position now, and you put guys like that on this field with Joe, with Gardy, and you’re gonna have some baseball games. I guarantee you will have some baseball games, and that’s what has made this into, for my money, one of the best rivalries in baseball, ever. Ever. Because every year, our Sox are right there in it, and they always will be, because that’s what Kenny Williams, Ozzie Guillen, Jerry Reinsdorf, that’s what kind of baseball men they are. And that’s why, as far as I’m concerned, this new Target Field, this isn’t gonna be anything like playing in the Dome – because Kenny Williams knows that.”
Gordon Beckham Hall of Fame Update: Alex Rodriguez-directed threats of violence this week: one. Gordon Beckham-directed threats of violence this week: zero. And with that, Gordon Beckham is officially more beloved than arguably the greatest baseball player of our time.
Alumni News You Can Use: Former White Sox outfielder Scott Podsednik went 5-for-13 with two RBI last week in a three-game series against the White Sox, while former White Sox designated hitter Jim Thome has five home runs and 15 RBI in 66 at-bats for the Twins. In related news, the White Sox Report hates Juan Pierre so much right now.
The “H” in “DH” Stands For: Half, as in the approximate ratio of Mark Kotsay’s slugging percentage (.304) to Andruw Jones’ (.620).
The Q Factor: His strange feat of notching exactly as many runs driven in as hits has people asking: when does Carlos Quentin put a ball in play? Whenever he damn well feels like it, that is when Carlos Quentin puts a ball in play.
The Guillen Meter: Staring at the very real threat of reaching last place in a hurry, the Guillen Meter reads 8 for “already 8 games behind the goddamned Twins and it’s barely May.”
Endorsement No-Brainer: White Sox baseball for Electrolux vacuums: Nothing sucks like it.
Cubs Snub: Swept by the Pirates and shamed by the Reds? In the same week? Seriously? That’s not just bad, that’s like White Sox bad.
The White Sox Report: Read ’em all.
The Cub Factor: It’s funny because it’s true.
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The White Sox Report welcomes your comments.
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Andrew Reilly is the managing editor of The 35th Street Review and a contributor to many fine publications.
Posted on May 10, 2010