By Ricky O’Donnell
We all know Orlando Cabrera has his faults. This has been discussed over, and over, and over. Well we’ve got a new one this week, and it’s his most egregious yet: Orlando Cabrera likes Nickelback.
Cabrera: “I like Nickelback. Really. I love Nickelback.
He sounds convincing, right? I mean, we already know he likes to party. What’s better than drinking tequila and listening to “How You Remind Me”? Nothing I tell you. Nothing at all.
While Cabrera listens to the worst music of any Sox player (I believe it’s a scientific fact that you cannot do worse than Nickelback), the rest of the guys have their faults, too. I always thought one of the coolest parts of being a professional baseball player would be getting to choose your at-bat song; apparently the White Sox hitters disagree. They suck at liking good music. So here is some advice, Sox hitters, to make you guys look a little cooler before coming to the plate.
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Player: Carlos Quentin
Current Song: “4 Minutes (to Save the World)” by Madonna featuring Justin Timberlake
To help Q pick new entrance music, I Googled “songs for awesome people”. Unfortunately, the results were inconclusive. But Madonna certainly won’t do. Quentin needs something fresh, new, and powerful.
Suggested Song: “Paper Planes” by MIA.
Let’s just hope they cut the song before the chorus kicks in – something about gunshots probably won’t sit well with 30,000 people crammed into a stadium on the South Side.
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Player: Jim Thome
Current Song:: “No Leaf Clover” by Metallica
Okay, I detest Metallica (all hate mail can be sent to the address at the end of this column). More importantly, they’re Paulie’s band. He’s been coming out to them for years. Thome and Konerko both might be slow, aging, and hitting .210, but I will not allow them to come out to the same band. That’s just unacceptable.
Suggested Song: Thome needs something scary. That’s why he should go back to the song he came out to last year, a song that screams Gentleman Masher: “The Beautiful People” by Marilyn Manson. Finally, I’ve found a person that Thome has less in common with than Manny Ramirez . . .
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Player: Joe Crede
Current Song(s): “It’s Not My Time” by 3 Doors Down; “What I Want” by Daughtry
And just when you thought no one could choose worse than OC . . . Joe Crede gives him a run for his money. Seriously, man? 3 Doors Down and some American Idol castoff? That’s just incredibly lame. I hope Journey isn’t the coolest band on Crede’s iPod.
Suggested Song: Let’s go with something from baseball fans’ and Beachwood favorite The Hold Steady. “Stuck Between Stations”, the opening track from their last album Boys and Girls in America, should do just fine. It’s not 3 Doors Down’s time.
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Week in Review: 6-0.
Week in Preview: The consistently bad Tigers host the Sox for a three-game set. Weren’t they supposed to be good or something? Lesson one: never believe what John Kruk tells you.
The Missile Tracker: We were a little hesitant to track The Missile at first because, you know, he wasn’t playing. Well, The Missile launched this week, people, and it’s more explosive than we ever could have imagined. We have no idea how he gets so much power out of that paper-thin torso, but, hey, whatever works, man. I wear my appreciation on my desktop.
I Like Those Odds: According to Baseball Prospectus, the Sox are projected to win 90 games. They have an 83% chance of making the playoffs, or roughly the same probability that Carlos Zambrano beats an inanimate object after getting pulled from his next start.
Fields on the Farm: With every Joe Crede homer (and lately, there have been lots) we ponder the future of Fields, the best prospect the Sox have produced in a long time. That’s kind of like being the tallest midget, but I suppose it’s better than being the shortest midget, which is probably Arnie Munoz. Fields belted another homer on Saturday, giving him eight on the season.
Family Affair: When in doubt, draft your son.
Over/Under: 11: the number of hamburgers Tigers slugger Miguel Cabrera eats during his three-game series this week against the Sox.
Beachwood Sabermetrics: A complex algorithm performed by The White Sox Report staff using all historical data made available by Major League Baseball has determined that Ozzie should be pissed more often.
The White Sox Report: Read ’em all.
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Ricky O’Donnell is the proprietor of Tremendous Upside Potential and a contributor to the Sun-Times’s Full Court Press.
Posted on June 9, 2008