By Michael Raspatello
Your [February 1 – February 7] leisure guide from the Beachwood Sports Desk.
THURSDAY: To Read/Appreciate Art. New City’s “Super Special” Issue. Newsstands Everywhere. Free. Pick up the latest copy of New City and take a good look at the cover. And don’t try to skimp out by looking online, cause they picture ain’t there. On the cover is model Sandra Salgado “wearing” an Urlacher jersey, reminding you why you’re a Bears fan. And a breasts fan. If that’s not your cup of milk, look inside for other musings about the big day, including a guide to bars celebrating the game and recipes for hot wings.
FRIDAY: To Enjoy Satire/Laugh So Hard You Burn Calories. Onion Super Bowl coverage. Free. In case you haven’t noticed, The Onion now features a long-overdue Sports Section. Current stories include “Bears Lead Rex Grossman to Super Bowl,” “Bears Deny Placing Snow, Fog Machines on Dolphin Stadium Sidelines,” and “Bears Inspire City Still Reeling from Great Chicago Fire of 1871.”
SATURDAY: Do Your Job as a Citizen/Rat Someone Out. Bring a Lawsuit Against Your Least Favorite Bar. You know that bar across the street that you loathe, especially at 2:30 a.m. when every Trixie and her giggly entourage pile into the street like it’s Watts the day O.J. was acquitted? Well, Saturday is your last chance to take action and get them shut down. According to NFL spokesman Brian McCarthy in a recent Tribune interview, “Legally, businesses don’t have the right to use ‘Super Bowl’ [in adverstisements].” Yep, you heard him. He’s saying they can be sued. From one skim through today’s RedEye, looks like you can take down the likes of Smartbar, Duffy’s, innjoy, and even The Bedding Experts, in one fell swoop.
SUNDAY: HOLY SHIT MONKEY, DA BEARS ARE IN THE FLIPPIN’ SUPER BOWL! AND IT’S ON CBS AT 5:25PM! AND THE KERRYMAN ON CLARK AND ERIE WILL TAKE 41% OFF YOUR ENTIRE TAB IF THE BEARS WIN! I’M A LIFELONG BEARS FAN AND I CAN BARELY BREATHE! I FEEL LIKE I’M BEING SIT ON BY DONOVAN McNABB’S MOM IN THOSE CAMPBELL’S SOUP COMMERCIALS!
MONDAY: To Appreciate It All/No Matter What. The Super Fans. Featuring Robert Smigel, Joe Mantegna, George Wendt, Beth Cahill, Horatio Sanz, Mike Myers, Kevin Nealon, and Chris Farley. Monday is going to either feel like the day after you lose your virginity or the day after you find out you got herpes on spring break. If the Bears win, the pride of the Midway faithful will be running more rampant than the Mini-Bears would against any mortal team in the NFL. If we lose, you’re going to need a reminder why you bleed the team colors of the University of Illinois. So watch a few minutes, or hours, of Bill Swerski and his friends until you agree with the following: In a game of one-on-one basketball up to 11, Mini-Ditka would beat God 11-6.
TUESDAY: To Be a Good Parent/Be Precautious. Take Your High School Athlete for a Check-Up. Immediately. Cost Depends on Your Insurance Benefits. I have absolutely no idea why this linked story would ever fly as under-the-radar as it has. Apparently, it’s not just high school football players and cheerleaders that are getting nastier than a Condoleezza Rice striptease these days. Best line to come across the AP Wire in ’07 thus far, courtesy of one of the Minnesota wrestling coaches: “How do you tell a parent that their child has herpes for the rest of his life?”
WEDNESDAY: To Give Up Football/Catch a Cold. Chicago Steel at Ohio Junior Blue Jackets. B2 Network. 6:30 p.m. Bet you didn’t know that Chicago had a Tier 1 USHL Junior Hockey Team? And you call yourself a “hockey fan.” Oh wait, you don’t call yourself a “hockey fan?” Well if you want to, you better get with the program and watch this online simulcast of a hockey league in which fighting is still encouraged and rewarded with a chance to be a third-line goon on some bottom-feeding NHL team. But if anyone asks what you’re doing Wednesday night, just say you’re going bowling.
Michael Raspatello is the editor-in-chief of The Rival Room. He can hardly breathe.
Posted on January 31, 2007