By George Ofman
I’m plunked down on my couch the other night watching the Cubs game. No nachos and no beer. I’m 55 and nachos plus beer equal a long night, and not on the couch. You’re probably assuming I’m a masochist watching this team play, but I figure this is probably going to be more entertaining taking in Anderson Cooper 360. I’m wrong. It’s not more entertaining. It’s more aggravating.
Fine, call me a masochist.
I like watching baseball. I just don’t like watching bad baseball. And that’s not just a Cubs thing; it’s the same with the White Sox. Think I enjoy seeing balls go through Alexei Ramirez’s legs? But I digress.
So, it’s the second inning and the Cubs have two men on and one out. The Dodgers wisely elect not to pitch to Kosuke Fukudome, who homered in his first at-bat. They’d rather see Alfonso Soriano with the bases loaded. This is Alfonso Soriano with 19 homers! Of course, he hadn’t hit one since July 29th and has only four RBI to go along with a .172 batting average in August. This is not a tactical move by Joe Torre. It’s a no-brainer. I’m not a manager but I could be asleep and order an intentional walk in this situation.
Soriano steps to the plate and – as Harry Caray is my witness – the first words out of my mouth are “He’s going to strike out on three pitches!” Please understand I’m not clairvoyant nor am I Nostradamus. It’s just something that comes naturally. Predicting Soriano will strike out on three pitches comes from vast experience. I’ve seen this movie so often I know the script forwards and backwards.
First pitch is a foul ball. That’s strike one. I have two to go. Soriano is notorious for swinging at everything though, thankfully, not cab drivers from Buffalo. Doesn’t matter what the pitch is, Soriano likes to swing the way an alcoholic likes to guzzle. The Dodgers pitcher is Jeff Weaver, who has been employed by six different teams and has never posted a record better than three games over .500. No matter . . . he’s pitching to Alfonso Soriano, who has made ordinary pitchers look as if they deserve $16 million a year!
Second pitch is a slider approximately two feet outside. Soriano, as is his wont, flails mightily and misses the pitch. That’s strike two and I have one pitch to go. It’s not even close. I’m chuckling as I reposition myself on the couch. I have no reason to get up and head to the liquor cabinet now.
Meanwhile I’m thinking a Little Leaguer wouldn’t have swung at that pitch, but a Little Leaguer doesn’t get paid 16 Mildo to swing and miss. Soriano does. Weaver is no dummy. He knows you don’t throw Soriano a fastball and you don’t throw any pitch too low because he just might hit it.
Remember, Soriano already has struck out 112 times, good for fifth in the National league. It’s not an enviable stat, but Arizona’s Mark Reynolds has struck out a whopping 168 times. He also has a whopping 38 homers, second in the league. Ryan Howard has whiffed an impressive 145 times, but he’s slugged 32 round-trippers. Adam Dunn happens to be third and his home run total is 31. Soriano has 19 and just one this month! I can’t wait for the next pitch even though I already know the outcome.
Swing and a miss on another slider for strike three! Soriano drops his head and walks slowly and sullenly back to the bench. Instead of raising my chuckle to an outright guffaw, I do something that also comes naturally. I yell, “YOU STINK!”
I’ve done this often while watching Cubs games, mostly when Milton Bradley is batting. But he’s only earning $10 million a year. Soriano is raking in 16 mil this year and he’ll do it again next year for 18 mil – and the year after that, and the year after that, and the year after that and yes, the year after that. That’s 88 million more dollars to watch a guy flail away as if he’s trying to snare a fly with his bare hand. He might achieve more success that way. As soon as Jeff Baker follows and strikes out, I decide, to heck with a port (certainly more soothing than nachos and beer), I’m headed to the sack.
And do you know why? Because I already know the Cubs will lose. Nostradamus has nothing on me.
–
George Ofman, an original member of The Score and a veteran of NPR, has covered more than 3,500 sporting events over the course of his career. Comments welcome.
Posted on August 24, 2009