By The Cub Factor
Former Cub Marlon Byrd revealed in 2009 that he not only had worked with steroid doctor/pill pusher Victor Conte but would continue to work with steroid doctor/pill pusher Victor Conte.
The unemployed Byrd has now been suspended for 50 games for violating the league’s drug policy, though he has absolved Conte of any responsibility.
For reasons we can’t quite remember – maybe it came back in the news – The Cub Factor tracked Conte’s injections into Byrd during the 2011 season in a running item we called The Marlon Byrd Supplemental Report. Which means all those lame jokes going around about how Byrd’s performance-enhancing drugs didn’t enhance his performance were already made by us – in a much funnier way. Let us review and remember.
* Conte has been injecting Marlon with “Reed Johnson” in hopes to make him look better than he really is.
* Conte has been injecting Marlon with “season savior” but even Conte can’t make up something that potent.
* Conte has been injecting Marlon with “Marlon Byrd” which makes him play like Marlon Bryd. Thanks, Conte.
* Conte has been injecting Marlon with “Astros pitching” this week and he is getting buff!
* Conte continues to inject Marlon with “decent, but not great.”
* Conte is injecting Marlon with sedatives after he was asked to bat sixth on Friday, two spots down from Jeff Baker, and then asked to lay down a sacrifice bunt in the 10th with Tyler Colvin batting behind him. It was his first sac bunt as a Cub.
* Conte has been injecting Marlon with “Just 11 More RBI Than Tyler Colvin Despite 200 More At-Bats.”
* Conte has apparently been injecting Marlon with sugar water all season because Marlon really had just another Marlon season.
* Conte has been injecting Marlon with “lost season.”
* Conte has been injecting Marlon with “Starting Job in 2012” but we can’t tell if it’s working.
* Conte gave Marlon some pills labeled “third-place hitter” a few times this week but they were actually placebos.
* Conte is now giving Byrd weekly injections of “somewhat regrettable acquisition.”
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See also: Marlon Byrd vs. Robert Byrd.
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Comments welcome.
Posted on June 25, 2012