By Marty Gangler
I guess the biggest question you have to ask yourself this week is:
What kind of baseball do you play?
No, really, what kind of baseball do you play?
If you were under a rock this week, this is what good ol’ Uncle Lou asked a reporter who had the audacity to ask Lou why he didn’t bunt in a tight ballgame. I’ve been trying to wrap my head around what possible answer someone could come up with ever since.
Do you play small ball? Long ball? Bean ball? Moneyball? A cross between small and long ball – let’s call it medium to long ball, or maybe if you sway the other way it would be small to medium ball. What about small moneyball? Do the Royals play small moneyball, or just bad ball? Because the answer for most people would be, no ball. Because who actually plays baseball anymore? I know I haven’t played a game of real baseball since I was like 13 and I wasn’t very good. So my answer would be none to horrible baseball. And wouldn’t that be like most other reporters also? So I guess the answer would be: That is kind of a stupid question, Lou.
Week in Review: The Cubs lost two of three to the Nats and took three of four from the D-Backs. One game over .500 is barely above average. And that is about right. This team is barely above average.
Week in Preview: The Cubs travel to Pittsburgh and Cincy for three games each with their bitter divisional rivals. I kind of made up the “bitter” part because there is really nothing very exciting about going to Pittsburgh or Cincy. I do expect Cub fans to be bitter about something this week, though.
The Second Basemen Report: Mighty Mike Fontenot has stepped up and put a headlock on the starting second baseman position by getting the starting nod in six of last week’s games. Jeff Baker got the other start. Just think, if Fontenot played this well last year the Cubs wouldn’t have gone out and got Jeff Baker in the first place. It’s all part of Jim Hendry’s master plan; you know, the one he drew up.
In former second basemen news, Augie (Dog) Ojeda just came into town to play the Cubs this week with the Diamondbacks. Can you believe he is still playing the big leagues? And even though we just saw him, he is missed.
The Zam Bomb: Big Z remains furious. This bullpen thing is just a bad idea and the longer he stays in the bullpen, the shorter that wick becomes.
–
Lost in Translation: Smalley time-ie happy happy is Japanese for you better enjoy this Soriano hot streak while it lasts, because it won’t.
Endorsement No-Brainer: Alfonso Soriano for hot sauce because as good and as hot as your moth feels right after you take a bite, it’ll fade away pretty quickly.
Sweet and Sour Lou: 40% sweet, 60% sour. Lou is up a whopping nine points on the Sweet-O-Meter this week due to stupid questions, and just like your real crazy drunk uncle, Lou knows that he drinks too much but don’t ask him a silly question like, maybe you should put down that beer because you are driving Lou, because he’s just going to rip you a new one and bring up that time that he bailed you out of jail for curfew and didn’t tell your parents about it. Lou is crazy and drunk, don’t F with him.
Ameritrade Stock Pick of the Week: Salsa music is up this week due to large amounts of it coming for Soriano’s locker and it not bothering his teammates as much as it sometimes does.
Over/Under: Number of games the Cubs should win this week against two bad teams: +/- 5. Bonus proposition: Number of games the Cubs will give away this week that they should have won: +/- 2.5.
Beachwood Sabermetrics: A complex algorithm performed by the The Cub Factor staff using all historical data made available by Major League Baseball has determined that PNC Field friggin rulz.
A & I Labs: What Tom Ricketts can do with his Toyota sign . . .
The Cub Factor: Unlike Soriano, you can catch ’em all!
The White Sox Report: Now with a weekly Cubs Snub.
Fantasy Fix: 2B and Big Z.
The Soriano Saga: Chapter 1,473.
The Mount Lou Alert System: Lou moves back to Orange territory this week. Local natives started drilling into the surface of Mount Lou and really got under its protective shell. An explosion of anger magma may be very close. Villagers in the Greater Cincinnati area have been warned.
–
Contact The Cub Factor!
Posted on May 4, 2010