By Marty Gangler
Wow. What an ugly week in Cubs history. The only thing that would have been better would have been for things to have gotten even uglier – we’d like to see Carlos Zambrano and Michael Barrett go at it again to determine who stays and who goes. And we think a few other fights within the Cubs family would be productive. Let’s take a look.
BIG Z vs. LITTLE B
Tale of the tape: Zambrano 6’5″ 255. Barrett 6′ 3″ 210.
Advantage: Big Z.
Offense: Barrett is a good offensive catcher, Zambrano hits great for a pitcher but his actual pitching this year has been offensive.
Advantage: Little B.
Defense: Zambrano fields his position effectively. Barrett does not.
Advantage: Big Z.
Speed: Zambrano runs well for a big guy. Barrett runs well for a slow guy.
Advantage: Big Z.
God: Barrett believes in God. Zambrano believes he talks to God.
Advantage: Little B.
Makeup: Barrett is dumb as a box of Mars rocks. Zambrano is emotional as a chick from Venus.
Advantage: Neither.
Conclusion: Trade ’em both, and throw Piniella into the package too. Maybe for this guy. The grenade thing is a classic; Lou is still kicking his hat.
*
Other Cubs fights we’d like to see.
Jacque Jones vs. Himself: Oops, he’s already fighting himself every at-bat.
Winner: The Cubs after they finally unload him.
Lou Piniella vs. Jim Hendry: Lou should have known better, but we’d still like to see him pummel Hendry for creating this mess.
Winner: Lou would kick his ass. Then die of a heart attack. He’s too old for this shit.
Kerry Wood vs. Mark Prior: Because they are inextricably linked in baseball history.
Winner: Both injured before a winner emerges.
Aramis Ramirez vs. Derrek Lee: Ramirez would throw his punches wildly; Lee would get in front of them anyway.
Winner: Lee for being such a good sport.
Cesar Izturis vs. Daryle Ward: So we could remember what each of them looked like.
Winner: Who cares.
Dusty Baker vs. Jim Hendry: You know Baker wants a piece of him.
Winner: Baker. Especially after Lou softens him up.
Cubs fans vs. Jim Hendry: We deserve a little satisfaction.
Winner: Cubs fans. Hendry’s scouting is for shit.
*
Week in Review: The Cubs went 1-5, getting swept by the Marlins and losing two of three to the Braves, all at home. The Slugout in the Dugout was instant Cubs karma, but Uncle Lou’s hissy fit was staged, and not very well. Mount Lou has jumped the shark.
Week in Preview: The Cubs go north to Milwaukee for three against the Brewers, and then south to Atlanta for four against the Braves. The Cubs will also travel south in the standings.
Second Basemen Report: We finally have a second baseman. Mark DeRosa started all six games this week at second base. So it took Uncle Lou close to 2 months to play the second baseman that was signed in the off-season to play second base everyday, everyday. That sounds like a plan finally coming together. Even if the Cubs went 1-5 in that stretch.
In former second baseman news, Jose Macias is batting .288 without a home run in 44 games for the Nashville Sounds, the Brewers’ AAA affilitate. He is missed.
Sweet and Sour Lou: 32% sweet and 68% sour. Lou is down 10 points on the Sweet-O-Meter this week. Like your real aging Uncle, Lou doesn’t like it when your kids fight with each other, but he can’t slap them around himself, like the old days, so he gets really drunk at your graduation party and takes it out on poor aunt Sue, whose potato salad just doesn’t taste right.
Beachwood Sabermetrics: A complex algorithm performed by the The Cub Factor using all historical data made available by Major League Baseball has determined that the Cubs need to bring a goat-riding black cat to Wrigley Field to break the curse.
Over/Under: Innings until Carlos Zambrano loses it again: +/- 7.
The Cub Factor: Catch up with them all.
Mount Lou: As predicted in last week’s Cub Factor, Mount Lou skipped Level Orange and headed straight to Red. Excess magma, however, continues to linger close to the surface. Chauffeurs, bell hops, bus drivers, pilots, equipment managers, and umpires are most directly at risk, and warned to step lightly and wear lava-proof galoshes.
Posted on June 4, 2007