By Marty Gangler
Let’s look ahead to this day next year.
A Sept. 14, 2010 preview:
Lou Piniella: Is still managing, but it’s a restaurant in Florida called Mount Lou’s. They have Falstaff on tap. He still isn’t sure who should work the first shift.
Mike Fontenot : The utility fry cook at Mount Lou’s.
Carlos Zambrano: Almost ready to return after breaking an ankle on So You Think You Can Dance.
Player X: We aren’t sure who this guy is but he’ll be picked up off the waiver wire scrapheap and play second base for most of the year.
Derrek Lee: Team officials continue to blame the Cubs poor showing this season on Lee’s broken wrist.
Geovany Soto: Having left the game for the private sector, Soto strikes it big with a THC-laced line of prepared meals called Shake & Bake.
Micah Hoffpauir: Is completing his first season in the German Baseball League where he is the most popular player.
Aaron Miles: Completing first season as the best rookie air conditioner salesman in St. Louis.
Alfonso Soriano: Drops eight passes in opening game as Bears top receiver.
Milton Bradley: Blames racist customers for failure to deliver fries on time at his new job.
Kosuke Fukudome: Who?
Sam Fuld: Has captured the nation’s imagination as the star centerfielder for the league-leading Chicago White Sox.
Jake Fox: Has captured the nation’s imagination as the star DH for the Boston Red Sox.
Jim Hendry: Hates his new job as Milton Bradley’s manager.
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Week In Review: The Cubs went 5-1 this week, which would be encouraging if it was May.
Week in Preview: Due to contractual obligations, the Cubs have to continue playing and take on the once mighty Brew Crew for four games at home and then head to St Louis for three games against the now mighty Cardinals.
The Second Basemen Report: Jeff Baker started five games this week and Andres Blanco (Andy White) started one. If you told Cub fans at the beginning of the season that Jeff Baker and Andy White would be your starting second basemen in September, they would of told you that would mean the Cubs sucked this year. Which is just like Jim Hendry drew it up.
In former second basemen news, Mark DeRosa didn’t hit much this week for the Cardinals but it didn’t matter as they are in the playoffs. Ronny Cedeno also did things that didn’t matter. Both are missed.
The Zam Bomb: Got his first win since July this week. Cub fans are furious; so is Big Z.
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Lost in Translation: Zero-matteri Cubby-san gameo is Japanese for “How ’bout them Bears?”
Endorsement No-Brainer: Crane Kenney for the Golden Parachute Company.
Milton Bradley Game of the Week: Go Away Fly.
Shoo.
Sweet and Sour Lou: 50% sweet, 50% sour. Lou goes back to even-Steven as the season just ticks by. And just like your real crazy drunk uncle, you could ask Lou for some help setting the table for dinner but he’ll just do it so slow and get sidetracked. You might as well just do it yourself and let the old guy do his crossword.
Don’t Hassle the Hoff: Is it a coincidence that the Hoff got some PT and the Cubs went 5-1 for the week? We think not. And that’s a hassle.
Over/Under: The number of real fans still tuning in for every inning: +/- none.
Beachwood Sabermetrics: A complex algorithm performed by the The Cub Factor staff using all historical data made available by Major League Baseball has determined that a good week reminds everyone about how bad things were this season.
The Cub Factor: Unlike Soriano, you can catch ’em all!
The White Sox Report: Now with a weekly Cubs Snub.
The Mount Lou Alert System: Mount Lou Is no longer a threat to anyone and now should be referred to as Prairie Lou. And even Prairie Lou is green these days.
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Contact The Cub Factor!
Posted on September 14, 2009