By Marty Gangler
We here at The Cub Factor have found local scribes’suggestions for new Cubs owner Tom Ricketts to be just about as lame as the Cubs lineup. If you pay attention to any of these lists floating around, Tom, pay attention to ours.
1. Hire the best loophole-savvy contract lawyers you can find. Even better if they specialize in outfielders.
2. Bring back the Gatorade cooler but spike it with Prozac.
3. Send Carlos Zambrano, Milton Bradley and Alfonso Soriano on a three-hour tour of the South Pacific. We hear the accommodations on the S.S. Minnow are pretty good.
4. Re-name the team. Try “the Cardinals.”
5. Book Jim Hendry on the extended version of I’m a Celebrity . . . Get Me Out Of Here!. The one where the losers never leave the jungle.
6. Sell Wrigley Field naming rights to Google in exchange for a search algorithm that can find this team a second baseman.
7. Don’t hassle the Hoff. And that goes for Fuld and Fox, too.
8. Take the revenue from the Captain Morgan Club and use it to sign a player capable of being team captain.
9. Hire that guy in those commercials to take back the High Life from those who don’t deserve a good honest beer at a tasty price.
10. Replace the bleachers with stalks of corn and pray that the 1908 team returns and is still under contract.
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Week in Review: The Cubs took one of three from the Padres and one of four from the Dodgers. They also took themselves right out of the playoffs.
Week in Preview: On the other hand, the schedule from here on out is amazingly soft, starting with three at home against the Nationals and three at home against the Mets. If Uncle Lou keeps Soriano on the bench, Gregg off the mound, and Fuld and Fox in the lineup, they could easily go on a run.
The Second Basemen Report: Jeff Baker got five starts this week; Mike Fontenot got two. Yawn. But fear not, Second Basemen Report fans, because September is right around the corner and that means expanded rosters with even more second basemen. Just like Jim Hendry drew it up.
In former second basemen news, remember when we had Mark DeRosa and we were in first place? Yeah, that was awesome. And you know Mark is still in first place – and comfortably. Ronnie Cedeno is not in first place, but he is still missed. Just because.
The Zam Bomb: Too many ab crunches make big Z furious.
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Lost in Translation: “Sayonora” is Japanse for “Fukudome-san will be home to mow the lawn by October 1.”
(Future) Endorsement No-Brainer: 2010 Cy Young award winning pitcher Carlos Zambrano for the Ab Rocker.
Milton Bradley Game of the Week: Bandits. Because at this point the guy is just stealing his paycheck.
Sweet and Sour Lou: 45% sweet, 55% sour. Lou stands pat again for the week because he doesn’t seem to care again. And just like your real crazy drunk uncle, you can tell that Uncle Lou is only half listening to cousin Ricky’s story about that 30-pound muskie that got away. He just wants this birthday party over with so he can get home and get on the ol’ hammock with a couple of frosty Falstaffs.
Don’t Hassle the Hoff: Having to wait for a September call-up is a hassle, so stop it.
Over/Under: Amount of time it takes for a newspaper to make some sort of “Ricketty” joke about the Cubs and/or Wrigley Field: +/- it already happened.
Beachwood Sabermetrics: A complex algorithm performed by the The Cub Factor staff using all historical data made available by Major League Baseball has determined that this season was over before it started.
The Cub Factor: Unlike Soriano, you can catch ’em all!
The White Sox Report: Now with a weekly Cubs Snub.
Fantasy Fix: Watching Kevin Gregg, Jay Cutler, and Kyle Orton.
The Mount Lou Alert System: Green as green can be as scientists begin to believe that the once fiery core of Mount Lou may have completely fizzled and turned to old wrinkled ash.
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Posted on August 24, 2009