By Marty Gangler
So now we know that the Cubs are most probably going to be in it the rest of the season. And we also know that it’s not going to be anywhere as easy as anyone thought. But do the trade deadline pickups, John Grabow and Tom Gorzelanny, really know what they are getting into? Did they think they just won the lottery by going from the Pirates to the Cubs? Of course, we’re not sure what they are thinking and on top of that they are left-handed and think with a different side of the brain than I do – but we here at the Cub Factor would like to give them a heads-up on a few things about this Cubs team so they know what they are in for:
* Don’t worry about remembering the name of the guy playing second base. Eventually everyone takes a turn playing there. Including you.
* You don’t have to laugh at Ryan Dempster’s Harry Caray impression just to be polite. It only makes him think it’s actually funny.
* It’s okay to think the facilities at Wrigley Field are antiquated and horrendous. But it’s not okay to say it out loud because you’ll piss off a lot of stupid people.
* You are not seeing things, the roster is a mess.
* They only let Carlos Zambrano out every fifth day to pitch, so don’t expect him to be available for parties.
* There is both an “I” and a “me” in Milton Bradley.
* It’s perfectly acceptable to ignore any advice Ron Santo gives you. He’s kind of like the Cubs version of this guy.
* There isn’t a Gatorade cooler anymore. Don’t ask.
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Week in Review: The Cubs took three of four from the Astros and lost two of three to the Marlins. Just when you really thought the Cub train was picking up serious steam, it turns out that Kevin Gregg left his luggage on the platform and the train had to stop and turn around.
Week in Preview: Three in Cincinnati and three in Denver.
The Second Basemen Report: “We had Soriano at second base, Soriano at third,” Lou Piniella said after Saturday night’s game. “If somebody is watching this game on the Internet or they see the box score, they’re going to think the manager got drunk during the game moving people around . . . ”
Yes. Yes, they would.
In former second basemen news, Mark DeRosa already had seven home runs and 11 RBIs as a Cardinal. Ronny Cedeno is off to a .364 start as a Pirate. They both are missed.
The Zam Bomb: Big Z’s back tightness makes him furious, so he is furious.
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Lost in Translation: Pleasey pleasey Foxy time-o is Japanese for play Jake Fox everyday for godsake.
Endorsement No-Brainer: Kevin Gregg for Wind Power Turbines because he f’n blows.
Milton Bradley Game of the Week: Party Pooper. Because really, you think he’d be fun at a party?
Sweet and Sour Lou: 49% sweet, 51% sour. Lou is down four points this week on the Sweet-O-Meter due to Kevin Gregg. And just like your real crazy drunk uncle, Lou told you to pick up the dog poop in the yard before Aunt Yolanda’s party, that was your job. But you didn’t do it and he stepped in a pile of Sparky’s stuff and ruined his new shoes, so there will be repercussions.
Don’t Hassle the Hoff: A random spot start in a crowded outfield is a hassle, so stop it.
Over/Under: Blown saves this week: +/- 1.5.
Beachwood Sabermetrics: A complex algorithm performed by the The Cub Factor staff using all historical data made available by Major League Baseball has determined that Kevin Gregg is still better than Kerry Wood this season.
The Cub Factor: Unlike Soriano, you can catch ’em all!
The White Sox Report: Now with a weekly Cubs Snub.
Fantasy Fix: Buehrle, Kotsay and fanalytics.
The Mount Lou Alert System: Jumps from Green to Orange this week. Anger lava is beginning to boil as once solid “closer rock” has turned into molten goo. Villagers in the greater Cincinnati area – whose elders still tell tales of Mount Lou eruptions from days of old – have been warned.
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Posted on August 3, 2009