By Marty Gangler
Lou Piniella has reached the stage of Ultimate Cubs Flummoxation in record time. It took Dusty Baker, for example, three years before he was really so beside himself that he started mumbling incoherently. Don Baylor before him got a couple years in before acquiring that thousand-yard Cubs stare. Jim Riggleman was the stalwart: He lasted five seasons and appeared to leave the job with his sanity intact.
Truth to tell, Uncle Lou came into the job already a little unbalanced. But he’s gone from angry to resigned in record speed, uttering the phrase last week “What’re you gunna do?” three times after yet another heartbreaking loss and getting a sympathy quote from Cliff Floyd, who assured reporters that Piniella “doesn’t want anyone to feel sorry for him.”
Jay Mariotti suggested one thing Piniella could do: “How about bailing while you still have your health and mind?”
The Cub Factor has some additional answers to Lou’s query.
* Drive a new route to the ballpark to change your luck.
* Shave your head.
* Never use Scott Eyre in any situation in which the game is remotely on the line.
* Stop using all of your position players before the 8th inning.
* Manage one game from the bleachers.
* “Accidentally” give Jacque Jones the wrong flight number for the next road trip.
* During mound visits, discuss possible wedding gifts for soon-to-be-married teammates.
* Wait for Prior and Wood to save the season.
* Put Eyre, Bob Howry, and Will Ohman into the starting rotation so you have nowhere to go but up after the first inning.
* Throw a damn base already.
* Start making out the lineup in pen.
* Switch places with Bob Brenly.
* Call Yankee manager Joe Torre and set up new reality TV show called Manager Swap.
* Switch places with Joe Girardi.
* Blame reporters for asking the same questions after each game, like “What’re you gunna do?”
* Switch places with Dusty Baker.
* Let Cliff Floyd fill out the lineup card.
* Do your homework better before taking your next job.
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Week in Review: Because the Cubs were playing on the West Coast, you saw the Cubs win four of six if you went to sleep at a reasonable hour. If you stayed up late to see the games in their entirety, you saw the Cubs lose four of six. In their series’ against the Padres and Dodgers, the Cubs lost three more one-run games. It’s like the Cubs have intimacy issues; the closer you get to them, the more they fall apart.
Week in Preview: The Cubs come home for a six-game homestand with three against the Marlins and three against the Braves. So it’s back from the road for some home cooking. Except it’s a broken home and the food sucks.
The Second Basemen Report: DeRosa started four games at second, with Theriot handling the other two. Almost the exact opposite of the previous week. What’re you gunna do? Like most Nicholas Cage movies, Uncle Lou’s handling of the second base position has little rhyme or reason.
In former second basemen news, Bobby Hill played his last professional baseball season in 2005 with the Pirates. He was cut by the Padres in spring 2006. He played in 249 games in his career and had a .262 career batting avg. His whereabouts are unknown. He is missed.
Sweet and Sour Lou: 42% sweet and 58% sour. Down six points on the Sweet-O-Meter this week. Like your real aging bitter uncle, Lou doesn’t like any of the birthday gifts he got this year and he’s not being nice about letting you know.
Beachwood Sabermetrics: A complex algorithm performed by the The Cub Factor staff using all historical data made available by Major League Baseball has determined that the law of averages does not apply to the Cubs bullpen.
Over/Under: Total number of “boos” heard this week at Wrigley: 62,520.
The Cub Factor: Catch up with them all.
Mount Lou: Mount Lou continues to hold at yellow but be wary. Continued bullpen breakdowns are bringing molten anger to the surface. The alert system is likely to skip Orange and go straight to Red sometime Wednesday night while the Marlins are completing the sweep.
Posted on May 28, 2007