By Marty Gangler
The burning question on our minds this week – because we’d prefer to avert our eyes to the Cubs on-field shenanigans – is this: how will Big Z occupy his time during his six-day suspension? Using all historical data available to us by Major League Baseball, we’re pretty sure we’ve got it figured out.
Day 1: Big Z will sit down and talk with the pitching coach Larry Rothschild and will take notes about things to remember. But then his pen runs out of ink, he gets pissed, finds his bat, and crushes the pen.
Day 2: Carlos decides to head to 7-11 for some comfort food. But then he notices that they are out of pepperoni combos and only have the regular nacho cheese ones. So he asks the clerk if there are any more in the back and the clerk says there is no “back” and everything is on the shelf. So he gets pissed, decides to get fun-yuns instead and realizes that fun-yuns suck, so he gets even more pissed, finds a bat, and bashes in the Icee machine.
Day 3: Carlos decides to head out on Lake Michigan and get some relaxing fishing in. But then he gets a big fish on the hook and a guy on the boat screws up netting the fish and it gets away. Carlos gets pissed, completely bitches out the deckhand, and breaks the fishing pole over his knee. Then he finds a bat and breaks that over his knee too. When the Coast Guard arrives to a report of a boater on a rampage, he pretends to eject them from the lake.
Day 4: Carlos is on his way out for a relaxing drive and pulls in to get some gas. But then he notices that his gas tank is on the other side from the pump where he pulled up. He luckily has a bat in his back seat. He finds it and bashes his way to the gas tank from the side where he pulled up. When the police arrive to a report of a driver on a rampage, he pretends to eject them from the station.
Day 5: Carlos decides to stay in today to watch some daytime TV as the rest of the week hasn’t gone so well. But then right when he’s about to learn the results of the paternity test on today’s episode of Maury, his cable goes out. Luckily he has a bat by his side. He bashes the cable box on top of his TV and then pretends to eject the Comcast repairman who comes to his home. He’s pretty sure he wasn’t the father anyway.
Day 6: In preparation for getting back to baseball, Carlos realizes that he’s broken all of his bats. So he gets pissed, finds a Milton Bradley bat, and breaks the rest of Milton Bradley’s bats with the bat.
–
Week in Review: The Cubs went 4-3, winning two of three from the Pirates and splitting a four-game set with the Dodgers, all at home. 4-3 would be okay if you went 5-1 the week before, but they didn’t. So 4-3 stinks.
Week in Preview: The Cubs go to Atlanta for three and then to Cincy for three. I’m going to bet that someone else on the team is going to get hurt. Possibly by a flying toothpick to the eye in Cincy.
The Second Basemen Report: The second base position is officially up for grabs. We had four different starting second basemen this week, with newcomer Andres Blanco joining Bobby Scales, Aaron Miles, and Mike Fontenot at the keystone sack. I honestly have no idea who will start next week, which is pretty much just like how Jim Hendry drew it up.
In former second basemen news, Mark DeRosa now has 33 RBI for the Indians, which is seven more than any Cub has this season. Ronny Cedeno has 5 RBI for the Mariners and many Cubs have more than that. But they are both missed.
Zam Bomb: Yessir, Big Z go Boom!
Endorsement No-Brainer: Carlos Zambrano for Timex.
Lost In Translation: Jakeio-san Foxishi is Japanese for yet another Cub can’t play the field.
Milton Bradley Game of the Week: Clue. Milton Bradley finally has one.
Sweet and Sour Lou: 50% Sweet, 50% Sour. Lou is up one point this week on the Sweet-O-Meter because he’s acting like he no longer cares and is not going to get mad. And like your real crazy drunk uncle, Lou is turning over a new leaf and is not going to get mad at your aunt anymore when she plays the wrong card when your playing teams in pinochle. He’s trying a new strategy.
Don’t Hassle the Hoff: Dude, don’t confuse Jake Fox with Micah Hoffpauir because they are pretty much the same guy, and that’s a hassle.
Beachwood Sabermetrics: A complex algorithm performed by the The Cub Factor staff using all historical data made available by Major League Baseball has determined that that was a sweet Gatorade machine.
Over/Under: Number of players on the 25-man roster pissed off that they now have to manually get their own Gatorade: +/- 22.5.
The Cub Factor: Unlike Soriano, you can catch ’em all!
The White Sox Report: Now with a weekly Cubs Snub.
Fantasy Fix: Is the stolen base back?
Mount Lou: Mount Lou recedes to yellow as seismologists are baffled about the lack of volatility during this eruption season on Mount Lou. It’s like anger lava no longer exists on Mount Lou. Has this volcano gone dormant?
–
Contact The Cub Factor!
Posted on June 1, 2009