By Marty Gangler
The Cubs were not only swept by the White Sox over the weekend, they lost their fourth straight for the first time this season and they’ve lost eight of 12. Feeling sentimental for happier days, we here at The Cub Factor got to thinking about how the Cubs are kind of like the cast of Happy Days.
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Cub: Jim Edmonds
HD character: Ralph Malph
Why: No one really likes him, but it turns out he’s still got it.
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Cub: Derrek Lee
HD character: The Fonz
Why: He’s certainly the coolest Cub, but also because what he does with the glove to save errant throws from Aramis Ramirez is as magical and reality-defying as Fonzie banging on a jukebox to select a song.
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Cub: Alfonso Soriano
HD character: Joanie
Why: His nickname may be Fonzie, but if there were a jukebox in the clubhouse Soriano would lose it in the sun. No, Alfonso is more like the little sister who looks up to older brother Derrek Lee but in the end is still just Erin Moran.
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Cub: Ryan Dempster
HD character: Richie Cunningham
Why: The good-natured guy who is quietly the key player whom everything actually revolves around. Plus, Richie would have done the same kind of Harry Caray impersonation had he grown up a few decades later in Chicago instead of 1950s Milwaukee.
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Cub Jason Marquis
HD character: Chuck
Why: Richie’s older brother began the show as part of the starting cast, but mysteriously faded away after the producers squeezed as much out of him and sent him packing.
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Cub: Scott Eyre
HD character: Potsie
Why: He keeps getting hurt but apparently has a great voice in the shower.
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Cub: Jenny Piccolo
HD character: Felix Pie
Why: The hot, fast friend of Joanie has all the talent in the world, but we never see any of it on display because apparently it’s all just hype and she’s not ready for prime time. Previously played by Corey Patterson.
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Cub: Larry Rothschild
HD character: Big Al
Why: He leaves his mound visits shaking his head and muttering, “Yep, yep, yep, yep.”
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Cubs: Matt Murton & Micah Hoffpauir
HD characters: Laverne & Shirley.
Why: They can’t find much playing time on this team, but they’ll be stars on another show.
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Cub: Lou Piniella
HD character: Mr. C
Why: In his downtime, Lou runs a hardware store.
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Cub: Reed Johnson
HD character: Chachi
Why: A cool guy who fans like but not an everyday player.
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Cub: Alan Trammel
HD character: Mrs. C
Why: As bench coach, he’s the one who knows where the knives and forks are in the clubhouse and where the kids are at.
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Cub: Ryan Theriot
HD character: Pinky Tuscadero
Why: The new kid on the block who wows everyone and sells a lot of adoring merchandise.
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Cub: Mike Fontenot
HD character: Leather Tuscadero
Why: He’s Ryan Theriot’s younger sister. And he wants to be just like him. Or, um, her.
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Cub: Kosuke Fukudome
HD character: Mork
Why: He arrived from a foreign land, didn’t speak English too well, and raised everyone’s level of play. Plus, also, the merchandise thing.
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Cub: Tribune Company
HD character: Arnold
Why: Through luck and stupidity, they’ve created a happy place where people love to hang out but whose fans and legacy has totally jumped the shark.
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Week in Review: The Cubs two of three at home to the Orioles and then got swept by the White Sox at The Cell. Someone call AAA because the bandwagon is broken.
Week in Preview: The Cubs limp into July with four in San Francisco and three in St. Louis. Keep AAA on speed dial because that’s a lot of miles for a broken bandwagon.
The Second Basemen Report: Most notably this week, Eric Patterson played in left field again just to prove to Cubs management that Alfonso Soriano isn’t the only converted second baseman who can’t judge fly balls. Just like Hendry drew it up.
In former second basemen news, Paul Noce is the baseball coach at Hillsdale College in Michigan. He is missed.
The Zam Bomb: Zam is no longer furious, just getting angry while he awaits activation off the DL. Towel drills actually calm big Z.
Lost in Translation: Sweepasaka is Japanese for revenge.
Sweet and Sour Lou: 69% sweet, 31% sour. Lou is down six points on the Sweet-O-Meter this week due to crappy pitching and losing. And just like your real crazy drunk uncle, Lou doesn’t want you to say a word. Just shut the hell up and do what you are supposed to do.
Center Stage: Jim Edmonds started in center for all six games this week while Reed Johnson is still on the DL. Expect another center fielder to show up out of somewhere very soon. Like out of a hat or something, you know, just like Hendry drew it up.
The Cub Factor: Catch up with them all.
Beachwood Sabermetrics: A complex algorithm performed by the The Cub Factor staff using all historical data made available by Major League Baseball has determined that injuries are no excuse.
Over/Under: The amount of outfield in San Francisco that Jim Edmonds has to cover this week: +/- too much.
Mount Lou: Though Mount Lou exploded on Sunday night, the Mount Lou Alert System remains at Code Red because of indications that more magma is burbling just beneath the surface. If you are within three miles of Mount Lou, please take cover. And all airport security personnel and airlines staff between Chicago and San Francisco should take special precautions.
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Posted on June 30, 2008