By Marty Gangler
Watching the Cubs try to blow the season this week got me thinking about the 2004 season and how the Cubs blew that one down the stretch too. It’s like, “I’ve seen this movie before.” Which got me thinking about a movie I just saw which was “new” but essentially still the same. This week I was roped into seeing the remake of the horror “classic” Halloween. I think you see where I’m going with this. Let’s take a look.
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1. The movie’s franchise player is a violent psychopath. Just like the Cubs’ franchise player.
2. The same scenes unfold grotesquely in sequel after sequel. For both franchises.
3. Michael Myers never gets better but his corporate owners reap millions in profits from his failures. Sound familiar?
4. Michael Myers randomly kills his victims in all sorts of imaginative ways. Just like the Cubs do to their fans.
5. And yet, Michael Myers can’t be killed, no matter how dreadful and damaging to the community. Like Tribune Company.
6. Both franchises produce really bad results yet draw huge audiences.
7. Michael Myers kills people with whatever weapon is available. The same way other teams beat the Cubs.
8. Except the Cubs also have a habit of killing themselves. Michael Myers is too smart for that. But still.
9. Michael Myers’s mask is actually a William Shatner mask. The Cubs have engaged their cloaking device and disappeared.
10. Neither Michael Myers nor the 2007 Cubs are for real.
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Introducing . . .
The Zam Bomb: The wick on Big Z has moved quickly from apologetic to getting angry, calling for an increase in readiness for area bomb squads.
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Week in Review: The Cubs went lost three of four to the Dodgers at home and two of three to the Pirates on the road. The Cubs are playing flatter and tighter than this chick’s abs.
Week in Preview: The Cubs play a make-up game at Wrigley against the Cardinals today, then travel to Houston for three St. Louis for the big four-game showdown. Eight games in seven days, including another Steve Trachsel start. Well, how ’bout them Bears? Is Rex really the answer?
Second Basemen Report: Mark DeRosa started six of the last seven at second, with Mike Fontenot getting the other game. This is exactly the way Jim Hendry drew it up and, duh, it’s not working.
In former second basemen news, Jeff Huson is a color analyst for the Colorado Rockies. He is missed.
Sweet and Sour Lou: 64% sweet and 56% sour. Lou is down 15 points on the Sweet-O-Meter. And just like your real crazy drunk uncle, if it was up to Lou he’d take you out behind the woodshed and beat you silly for poisoning Aunt Mildred’s prize pig right before the fair. He knows he can’t hit you, though. But he sure wants to.
Beachwood Sabermetrics: A complex algorithm performed by the The Cub Factor staff using all historical data made available by Major League Baseball has determined that there is no correlation between the growth of Uncle Lou’s beard and the team’s performance.
Over/Under: Rex Grossman fumbles this season: +/- 8.
Cubs Fans Theme Song: “Please Stop Believin’”
The Cubs Answer Men: Preparing you for October.
The Cub Factor: Catch up with them all.
Mount Lou: As distance from first place increases, expect to see desperation magma surface. First sign of a soot cloud will be today around the third inning, with lava near the surface by the eighth. Eruption likely later this week.
Posted on September 10, 2007