By Marty Gangler
These are dangerous times for Cubs fans not used to following a first-place team, and we see danger signs ahead. Here are a few helpful hints that will save you from embarrassment both now and for the rest of your lives.
* Don’t demand the first-place discount at Al Piemonte Ford, the Cubby Bear batting cages, or the Cook County Assessor’s Office. You can, however, ask for it at home from your spouse.
* Do not name your new twin boys Len & Bob. Mike & Ryan are acceptable.
* Do not pull out that old Todd Hundley jersey to wear on Casual Friday. A Randall Simon jersey, however, would make you the coolest cat in the office.
* Do not paint your Escalade Cubbie Blue. Trading it in for a blue hybrid is acceptable.
* We do not have Wood. Trust us.
* Stop talking like Woo-Woo Wickers. Even the Cubs don’t like that guy anymore. Talking like Steve Stone is acceptable.
* Home viewers should not throw garbage around their condos when they see a call they don’t like. Er, wait. Yes, go ahead, have at it.
* You cannot now get your tattoo removed. Sorry Roger, you tiger now.
* Do not put Jacque Jones back on your Christmas card list. He didn’t open your mail when you hated him and he’s not going to open your mail now or at any time in the future.
* Do not shave the Cubs logo onto your head. Champagne glasses never go out of style, though.
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Week in Review: The Cubs lost two of three to the Reds and took the first two games against the Cardinals before Sunday night’s rainout. Looks like the Cardinals bandwagon broke down in Chicago and supplied the missing pieces that the broken Cub bandwagon needed. Good thing the Cards drive the same make and model bandwagon as the Cubs.
Week in Preview: The Cubs play one more at home against the Cardinals and then head west for three games each in San Francisco and Arizona. So adjust your schedule accordingly for another week of late night finals – just like college.
The Second Basemen Report: Mark DeRosa started six games last week; Mike Fontenot started one. So it’s taken us until the middle of August for the guy who was slated to be the everyday second baseman to be the (close to) everyday second baseman. Expect this to stay the same moving forward as DeRosa is hot as an oven in hell. Or just wait ’til next week when Ronnie Cedeno will inexplicably get a couple starts. You know, just like Jim Hendry drew it up.
In former second basemen news, Neifi Perez was suspended for failing a third drug test. He will be missed for 80 games.
Sweet and Sour Lou: 75% sweet and 25% sour. Lou is up one point on the Sweet-O-Meter with the Cubs persevering through a tough week. Like your real crazy drunk uncle, Lou didn’t fly off the handle when you kids stole his lawnmower and broke the blade running over a big rock. Lou knew you felt bad and that you would fix it before the grass got too long.
Beachwood Sabermetrics: A complex algorithm performed by the The Cub Factor staff using all historical data made available by Major League Baseball has determined that there is still a lot of season left.
Over/Under: The amount of money it will cost to get a seat at Wrigley Field for the stretch run: +/- a crapload
Cubs Fans Theme Song: “Please Stop Believin’”
The Cubs Answer Men: 1 and 2.
The Cub Factor: Catch up with them all.
Mount Lou: Stays at yellow as disappointment magma slowly cools just under Lou’s surface. Interdivision pressure could cause a minor tremor in the upcoming weeks.
Posted on August 20, 2007