By Mike Luce
The recap will be slimmed down this week due to my father’s visit. (We’ll be covering only the Top 10 this week, but expect a full recap again next week.) Yes, the esteemed Dr. Ed has graced us with his presence once again. In honor of Dr. Ed, I would like to share his top football-related pet peeves.
1. Anyone who kicks the ball.
If the rules of football allow you to legally make contact with the ball with your feet, Dr. Ed despises you. I hope you know it’s not personal. The man feels as though your role on the team is so minor, and your duties so uncomplicated, that anything short of perfect execution will not be tolerated. You can take some small comfort from the fact that he at least distinguishes between punters and placekickers.
A) Punters
I pity you. Dr. Ed has no love in his heart for you or your responsibilities. Each of your kicks had better be high and long with no return. Shanks, bobbles, and (God forbid!) whiffs will not be tolerated. Even if you suffer severe injury from a would-be blocker, Dr. Ed will probably accuse you of hamming it up for the refs.
B) Placekickers
Most people understand how tough it must be to kick a ball through a gap 18-feet wide. Surely, many fans grasp the stress of aiming at a ball held completely still by a teammate or a plastic tee.
Maybe if you were standing still and hooked the ball into an upright it would be fair to criticize. But no, you have to shuffle up to this pointy leather object and kick it. Look, I get it. We all know doing two things at once is tough. Walking and chewing gum, for example – that can get tricky.
Dr. Ed is not so lenient. His worldview does not accommodate Wide Right or Wide Left. Much less ricochets off an upright or the cross bar. And for the love of all that is holy, do not boot the ball out of bounds on a kickoff. The man only has so many years left.
2. Backup quarterbacks.
I can’t even begin to describe the despair. Flattened pets, overcooked dinners and inopportune phone calls fail to inspire the teeth-gnashing brought on by the sight of the backup. To Dr. Ed, second-stringers rank somewhere below clogged toilets.
3. Fat coaches and ugly cheerleaders.
The less said about this, the better. In fact, let’s just move on.
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This week, the Report bestows the first ever Brown Shoe award to Kentucky punter Ryan Tydlacka. Ryan, did you step in something on the way to the stadium? After punts of 30 and 22 yards earlier in the game, Tydlacka punted for five (count ’em!) yards from the South Carolina 44-yard line with 10 minutes remaining in the fourth quarter. Way to pin ’em deep, RT.
As always, the following is for entertainment purposes only.
Game: #1 Florida 13 (-10) @ #4 LSU 3
What was supposed to happen? The sports media treated this game as if it were a seminar on sports injuries. Would Tebow play? Is two weeks enough time to recover from a concussion? How do doctors know if it is safe to play after a concussion? Will Tebow receive medical clearance to play? How does one evaluate a concussion? Let’s watch how Tebow suffered the concussion. What exactly is a concussion, anyway? Let’s see that play again.
What actually happened? Tebow played. Tebow started. As a result, the line jumped from about -7 to -10 between midweek and kickoff. “Tim Tebow: Able to Shift Lines a Full Three Points” doesn’t have much of a ring to it, but it does happen to be true.
Florida ran the “dive” play about 500 times in this game. The dive looks exactly like a shotgun option, but is really just an inside handoff to a back. I didn’t realize so many different varieties of the same play existed. Neither did LSU, because Florida ran them out of the game with one play.
The true LSU showed up for the game, which made the Gator defense (which is very good) look untouchable. The fact remains, LSU will only win big games if the offense makes the most of its opportunities – but inconsistent QB play continues to plague the Tigers. Our prediction: LSU will make an excellent runner-up in the SEC West and kill some unprepared squad in a New Year’s Day bowl game.
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Game: Colorado 14 @ #2 Texas 38 (-34)
What was supposed to happen? The 1-3 Buffaloes came into to Texas with a coach who, while not quite on the hot seat, is beginning to feel a bit toasty.
What actually happened? Texas won the game handily but struggled to cover the big number. UT still commands double-digit point spreads but can’t be considered a lock most weeks. Then again, the ‘Horns may have been playing a bit close to the vest ahead of Saturday’s rivalry game against Oklahoma.
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Game: #3 Alabama 22 (-5) @ #20 Mississippi 3
What was supposed to happen? Doubters (“haters” for you Gen Y types) pointed to this game as a likely stumble for the Tide. Looking at the October schedule early in the season made this match-up seem like a blockbuster – but Ole Miss has not lived up to expectations.
What actually happened? If anyone wonders why Alabama leapfrogged Texas in the AP Poll on Sunday, go back and review the box scores from Saturday. An SEC championship game between two unbeatens (Florida in the East and ‘Bama in the West) looms on the horizon.
The question the BCS organizers hope to avoid is . . . what if the Gators beat the Tide in the SEC championship and the BCS HAL 9000 awards the #2 spot to Virginia Tech? Will we be forced to accept a national title game between Florida and a team Bama thumped earlier this season? Far too early for such speculation, but expect the post-season playoff contingent to warm up the PR machine this week.
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Game: Boston College 14 @ #4 Virginia Tech 48 (-13.5)
What was supposed to happen? Boston College intrigued me enough in this game that I talked myself out of picking the Hokies. The Eagles have shown some grit, and I was wondering if Va Tech might slip a bit this week.
What actually happened? You can see why I ultimately steered clear of the underdog in this one. Yikes.
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Game: Wisconsin 13 @ #9 Ohio State 31 (-14.5)
What was supposed to happen? If Wisconsin hopes to earn a spot among the big boys in the Big Ten, the Badgers must win games on the road against Ohio State, Michigan, and Penn State. After the glory years of Ron Dayne and the Rose Bowl trips, Wisconsin has feasted on schedules heavy with Directional Creampuffs only to suffer several losses during conference play.
By contrast, while Ohio State plays its fair share of easy games, the Buckeyes usually schedule at least one doozy out of conference. And even if not, OSU’s dominance over the Big Ten has arguably earned them a bit more lenience.
What actually happened? Last week, I didn’t want to touch this game. The line crept back a bit, leaving the Buckeyes favored just over two touchdowns. While the final score shows the Buckeyes would have covered even 16 points, the Buckeyes haven’t instilled a ton of confidence this year.
I should have known better.
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Game: #10 TCU 20 (-10) @ Air Force 17
What was supposed to happen? TCU and Air Force have both scored more than a few points on defense this year. While TCU boats one of the top “Ds” in the country, the Falcons deserve recognition for a scrappy, opportunistic squad. The other side of the ball was a bigger question for both teams coming into the game, and especially for the Air Force Academy due to a shakeup at the QB spot.
What actually happened? I’m tickled to say that this game featured a co-worker’s younger brother at QB for Air Force – which is probably the closest I will ever come to knowing someone playing in a Top 25 football game. Good stuff. And Air Force covered! Bonus!
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CFR Notes
* To IU: Next time, warn me. I’ll just take the money out of my wallet and light it on fire. That will save us both a lot of time.
* To Mizzou: What is this, hockey? Football games last for four full periods.
* To Miami (FL): Can we pass notes in class? Call me.
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Mike “Chief” Luce brings you The College Football Report in this space twice a week. He welcomes your comments.
Posted on October 13, 2009