By Mike Luce
I’m happy to report that the Report is going on the road this week. As of Friday, we’ll be in the field gathering background on the UK Wildcats in Lexington, KY. A trip to Keeneland, a local track just outside Lexington, is on the agenda as well. Keeneland, sometimes referred to as the “Wrigley Field of horseracing,” makes up part of a unique tradition in the SEC. For one or two home games each fall, the Wildcats move kickoff into the evening on Saturday night. This is done to allow locals to spend the day at the track. The men deck themselves out in the Lexington uniform: blazers, ties, and khakis, while the ladies suit up in dresses and heels. As a result, the walk up to the clubhouse at Keeneland feels a bit surreal – throngs of well-dressed people spill out the back of trucks, stand around in fields, and swill cheap beer.
The scene inside the track feels a bit like your high school prom – but only if you picked it up, dropped it within the confines of a beautiful horse track, and only provided hot dogs, Kentucky Burgoo, chips, beer, and bourbon. If you go, remember a few tips: 1) the ATM fees are ridiculous 2) you will spend far more on gambling than food and drink, and 3) the line to the $50 minimum window is short and moves briskly. Hang with the professionals – even if you don’t know what you’re doing. The truth is, you’re just as likely to win by studying the racing form as picking horses with names reminiscent of your dead cat.
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I can only hope that my showing at the betting window for the ponies doesn’t follow my recent luck on the gridiron.
We’ve had a rough run here at the Report. Our picks, suffice it to say, are in the red. I won’t even bore you with a recap of our track record to date. Making matters worse this week, we’ll be spending most of our time mid-air above Indiana. That’s right, nearly all of the input this week springs from the USA Today sports section, notes scribbled on United Airlines cocktail napkins, and a copy of David Halberstam’s The Coldest Winter. I find the latter fascinating, but I’ve yet to even catch a passing reference to the 1950 final AP #1 (Oklahoma), or really . . . college football at all.
Thus, we’re throwing it all up in the air this week. Rather than make a few limited forecasts for seemingly sound reasons that prove to be irrelevant, we’ll run through a random cross-section from the slate of this weekend’s games.
Game: West Virginia (-3) @ South Florida (Friday, 7 p.m.)
Comment: We’ve entered into the coy, flirting stage with the Mountaineers. I hope we can get to second base on Friday night.
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Game: Rutgers @ Connecticut (-7.5, Saturday, 11 a.m.)
Comment: Take Rutgers just to punish Joe Lieberman.
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Game: Cincinnati (-15) @ Syracuse (Saturday, 11 a.m.)
Comment: We’ll back the Bearcats for one more week. Then it’s off.
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Game: Indiana @ Iowa -17 (Saturday, 11 a.m.)
Comment: I’d love this pick even more if the Hawkeyes didn’t still seem to suffer from consistency problems. You know, like, sometimes they play well, and . . . not, like, the other . . . let’s move on.
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Game: Akron (+12.5) @ N Illinois (Saturday, 11 a.m.)
Comment: Always pick the Zips against a directional school.
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Game: New Mexico State (+44) @ Ohio State (Saturday, 11 a.m.)
Comment: Let’s go, Aggies, all we need is one touchdown.
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Game: Mississippi @ Auburn (+3.5, Saturday 11:20 a.m.)
Comment: I’m not sure why I like the Tigers in this game. Perhaps because Ole Miss makes up part of the SI cover jinx foursome.
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Game: Western Michigan (+2.5) @ Kent State (Saturday, 1 p.m.)
Comment: Always pick the directional school against a school still known primarily for a shooting.
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Game: Central Michigan (+6) @ Boston College (Saturday, 2:30 p.m.)
Comment: Let’s keep riding the Chippewas. Just like the white man.
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Game: Miami (FL) @ Wake Forest (+7, Saturday, 2:30 p.m.)
Comment: Yes, I’m actively rooting against my ex. Feel free to do the same.
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Game: Eastern Michigan @ Arkansas (-38.5, Saturday 6 p.m.)
Comment: That’s a big number.
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Game: Georgia Tech (-11) @ Vanderbilt (Saturday, 6:30 p.m.)
Comment: The Rambling Wreck is for wreal.
CFR Notes
The Sports Seal came down with the swine flu this week. I didn’t know this sort of cross-species infection was possible. What’s next, Seal Flu? I blame Blanche. That girl gets around. And I’ve never seen her wash her flippers. Sanitizer, Blanche, sanitizer! For the love of God!
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Mike “Dr. Dude” Luce brings you The College Football Report in this space twice a week. He welcomes your comments.
Posted on October 30, 2009