By Eric Emery
Last week, the Bears fell to 3-3. Like their other two losses, the Bears employed one of their favorite plays: Fill the adult diaper with crap. Unlike their other two losses, though, the Bears used a little creativity. I appreciate their efforts, given that if the Bears were to simply use the same path to defeat all year, writing about them would become tedious and uninteresting. Perhaps the Bears need additional suggestions for thinking up interesting ways to lose. Below are some other creative ways to disappoint the Kool-Aid Nation:
* Lovie Smith replaces the playbook with the U.S. military’s original counter-insurgency guide.
* Lovie replaces Kyle Orton with Richard M. Daley. To make Daley feel comfortable, Lovie only calls misdirection plays.
* Allow fans to make next call through text-message voting.
* Bring back Kordell Stewart on the basis that “fans never really gave him a chance in Chicago.”
* Only try to win if Oprah promises a Bears victory on her “Favorite Things” episode.
* Kill all first-born Bears players at halftime, unless they painted lambs’ blood around their door the night before.
* Players get to vote one player off the team after every possession.
* Send a practical joke letter on NFL letterhead stating that yards of offense, not points, determines the winner.
* Stop drives at the 47-yard line to give Robbie Gould the opportunity to break the record for longest field goal.
* Release Brian Urlacher so he can explore his favorite hobby full-time: making babies.
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Vikings at Bears
Storyline:The 3-3 Vikings play the 3-3 Bears. Even though these teams are average, it will feel a bit more than average since it’s a division game. Division games make mediocrity interesting.
Reality: This game couldn’t be more average if both teams used 5′ 10″ men with a household income of $50,233. Expect a tie. Luckily, you’ll doze off early in the first quarter and be spared the agony.
Prediction: Vikings Plus 3.5 Points, Under 38 Points Scored.
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Percentage of sugar in the Pitcher of Blue and Orange Kool-Aid: 50%
Recommended sugar in the Pitcher of Blue and Orange Kool-Aid: 50%
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Over/Under: Halloween costumes for NFL fans.
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Fantasy Fix: Kyle Orton is still a bargain.
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Eric Emery grew up in small-town Illinois but has an irrational love of the Pittsburgh Steelers. Every week he writes The Blue & Orange Kool-Aid Report and Over/Under. You can send him love letters and hate mail and he will respond graciously.
Posted on October 17, 2008