By Eric Emery
With only a few days remaining, many people try to escape the ninth level of hell that is Christmas shopping. You’d be surprised to know that the friends and relatives of the Chicago Bears are no different. Here are some suggestions for those who have a Bear in need of a stocking stuffer.
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Rex Grossman
Gift: A roll of double sided tape.
Why: Not only cuts down on fumbles, but dramatically reduces the number of passes he is able to throw.
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Cedric Benson
Gift: One-way plane ticket to New York City.
Why: Playing for the Jets will make Thomas Jones look good again while once again creating the illusion that he, too, is a viable starter in the NFL.
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Bernard Berrian
Gift: Collection of David Letterman’s Top Ten Lists.
Why: Makes Berrian realize that he does not appear on any Top Ten list.
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Bears Offensive Line
Gift: Dry Erase Board with Pen.
Why: Help Fred Miller remember the snap count.
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Lance Briggs
Gift: A book titled How To Drive Defensively.
Why: Very useful when he drives while “sober.”
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Brian Urlacher
Gift: A year’s supply of condoms.
Why: Because there is no book titled How To Have Sex Defensively.
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Mushin Muhammad
Gift: A bottle of Ben Gay and the complete collection of Matlock.
Why: Because old people like both.
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Lovie Smith
Gift: A year’s supply of yoga lessons.
Why: To make him more flexible.
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Packers at Bears
Storyline: It’s a storied rivalry. It’s the resuscitation of Brett Favre. It’s the utter demise of the Bears.
Reality: It’s worth watching. It’s a storied rivalry. It’s a game that fails to entertain on it’s own merits.
Pick: Green Bay Minus 8.5 Points, Under 35 Points Scored.
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Sugar in the Blue and Orange Kool-Aid: 0%
Recommended Sugar in the Blue and Orange Kool-Aid: Wait ‘Til Next Year
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For more Emery, see the Kool-Aid archive, and the Over/Under archive. Emery accepts comments from Bears fans reluctantly and everyone else tolerably.
Posted on December 21, 2007