By Eric Emery
Now that the Bears season is lost, you may be finding it hard to get excited about watching the remaining games, even if Kyle Orton will be on display like a circus freak. But oh my funny, fuzzy Bear fans, you’re forgetting about our good friend alcohol. Here’s a Bears drinking game to enhance these last few weeks of Letdown ’07.
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Pregame Prep
Step one: Get fellow Bears fans of legal drinking age.
Step two: Get one case of beer per person. I recommend Hamm’s, since it had a bear as a mascot.
Step three: Elect a “referee”. Some of the rules will require some interpretation.
The Rules
Drink beer each time the following occurs.
Brian Urlacher
* Drink once for every Urlacher tackle.
* Drink once each every time broadcasters say “Arthritic back”, “off-year”, or “humps everything that moves.”
* Chug if announcer says “Urlacher is still the best linebacker in the NFL.”
Rex Grossman
* Drink once for every shot of him on sidelines.
* Drink once more if he is smiling.
* Drink once more if it appears he is not paying attention to the game.
* Chug if announcer says “Grossman is still the Bears’ quarterback of the future.”
Bears Offensive Line
* Drink once for every sack allowed.
* Drink once for every false start.
* Drink once for every running play that goes for two yards or less.
* Chug when fellow Bears fan vomits for drinking too much due to poor overall performance of Bears offensive line.
Lovie Smith
* Drink once for every shot of him on the sidelines.
* Drink again if he exhibits a blank look.
* Drink once again if he musters up a simple headshake when disgusted.
* Chug if he half-heartedly claps his hands when the Bears face adversity.
Bob Babich
* Drink once for every shot of him on the sidelines.
* Drink once more after every big play the defense gives up.
* Drink once again for every rushing touchdown allowed.
* Chug if announcer states “Bears miss Ron Rivera more than they realize.”
Ron Turner
* Drink once for every curious play call.
* Drink once for every play that gets negative yards.
* Drink once every time you’re forced to visit Fire Ron Turner.
* Chug if announcer states “Nick Sabin was a college coach who went to the pros, only to go back to college football. Given Turner’s lack of success, I recommend Ripon College for Turner’s next job”.
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Bears at Vikings
Storyline: One team expected to go to the playoffs. The other expected to dwell in mediocrity. As it turns out, both teams switched roles. Oh, by the way, both teams have an Adrian Peterson. Yuk, yuk, yuk.
Reality: During a game where both teams commit to the run, it gives the announcers ample time to bring up “all the people” who “are very disappointed with their performance.” Guess what? When they bring up Urlacher, Smith, Grossman, Benson, Miller, Babich, Turner, and Archuleta, it will have nothing to do with their performance Monday night.
Pick: Vikings Minus 10 Points, Under 43 Points Scored.
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Sugar in the Blue and Orange Kool-Aid: 1%
Recommended Sugar in the Blue and Orange Kool-Aid: .125 %
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For more Emery, see the Kool-Aid archive, and the Over/Under archive. Emery accepts comments from Bears fans reluctantly and everyone else tolerably.
Posted on December 14, 2007