By Eric Emery
Clearly, Devin Hester is ridiculous. Of course, we only see His ridiculousness on Sunday. What about the rest of the week? Let’s say that Hester works in mysterious ways.
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Sunday: Hester creates light. Hester divides light from darkness. Hester scores.
Monday: On Sunday, Hester was good. So on Monday, Hester rests.
Tuesday: Hester divides the water from above from the water below. The water from above is called Heaven. This is where Hester builds his many mansions. The water from below is called Hell. This is where Michael Vick lives.
Wednesday: Hester creates Sea and Earth. Neither can stop him, nor sleet nor snow.
Thursday: Hester creates lights in the Heavens and marks Day and Night. He also creates the non-conference schedule so he doesn’t get bored inferior competition.
Friday: Hester creates the Birds and Sea Creatures. Hester commands them to be fruitful and multiply. They do, eventually forming extra divisions and wild card entries. But they remain the dominion of Hester.
Saturday: Hester creates Wild Beasts and Humanity. He tames the Beasts and commands Humanity to praise him by buying his merchandise.
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Philosophical Question: Can Hester create a kick return defense so powerful that it could stop Him?
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If Bill Belichick coached the Bears.
* Lance Briggs has a GPS chip installed during a rubdown.
* Tank Johnson wears a wire to Cowboys HQ.
* Rex Grossman replaced by animatronic from Chuck E. Cheese.
* Robbie Gould’s toes amputated; kicks with Tom Dempsey’s old shoe.
* Devin Hester left alone.
* Brian Urlacher secretly made sterile in special hot tub.
* Offensive line commanded to put on the foil.
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Dallas at Chicago (Sunday Night)
Corny, Homemade Joke/Pun Time: What does a Minneapolis airport bathroom have in common with Soldier Field? Both sit and wait for a Gross-man to perform. Bears fans have been standing and “tapping their feet” to get better results from their QB. To prevent falling in the toilet, the Bears need to use a “wide stance” to keep from falling to 1-2. But Grossman’s play makes as much sense as reaching down under a stall in a men’s bathroom for no good reason.
Pick: Dallas Plus 3, Over 42 Points Scored.
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Sugar in the Blue and Orange Kool-Aid: 50%
Recommended Sugar in the Blue and Orange Kool-Aid: 45%
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For more Emery, see the Kool-Aid archive, and the Over/Under archive. Emery accepts comments from Bears fans reluctantly and everyone else tolerably.
Posted on September 21, 2007