By Eric Emery
In roughly a month, Drew Carey debuts as the new host of The Price is Right. Carey is famously a Browns fan. If he was a Bears fan, he might make these slight adjustments to TPiR’s games.
*
Now . . . and Then: Compare key rushing statistics and determine if the Bears top back is Cedric Benson (now) or Thomas Jones (then).
*
East of Edens: Estimate the blood-alcohol level, speed of car, or number of lies told by Tank Johnson without going over.
*
Lucky 7: Make contestants determine whether the figure behind the screen is the Adrian Peterson who had more than seven yards per touch or the Adrian Peterson who had a seven-carry, one-fumble performance.
*
Grossman Plinko: Drop a football-shaped chip into a myriad of pegs resembling defenders. Sometimes the chip falls into defender or into slots at bottom labeled “Complete” or “Incomplete.” Ironically, the player never wins, but rather relies on somebody else’s performance to determine victory or defeat.
*
Rename “Pricing Game” the “Cedric Benson Pricing Game:” Like any TPiRer who wants to be “called down,” the player acts excited to get into game, but not so much while playing.
*
Shell Game: Make contestants determine whether the blank stare on the sideline belongs to Lovie Smith or two-time ex-Raiders coach Art Shell
*
Hit Me: Have contestants use their thumb and forefinger to crush as many Bears receivers going over the middle trying to catch wobbly, inaccurate passes as they can in the time allowed.
*
One Away: List four players who would make Chicago Super Bowl champs if only he played for the Bears. Estimate the size of their contract without going over.
*
Hole in One or Two: Estimate cost of Mike Brown surgeries without going over.
–
Kansas City Chiefs at Chicago Bears
It’s been a weird three days. First, somebody hit my car and drove off. Then I witnessed a domestic abuse situation. Both times, the police came and failed to use unnecessary force, though somebody deserved it. Therefore, I need to see somebody get their ass kicked . . . I’d much rather see the Steelers doing the ass-kicking, but this week the Bears beat the Chiefs like a rented mule.
Pick: Bears minus 12, Under 35 Points Scored.
*
Sugar in the Blue and Orange Kool-Aid: 50%
Recommended Sugar in the Blue and Orange Kool-Aid: 45%
*
For more Emery, see the Kool-Aid archive, and the Over/Under archive. Emery accepts comments from Bears fans reluctantly and everyone else tolerably.
Posted on September 14, 2007