By Eric Emery
The moment we’ve been waiting for is at hand. The question on everyone’s mind will finally be answered: Will the Bears soil themselves at home again and be one-and-done, or will they progress by waiting to soil themselves next week?
I refuse to force my Christian tradition upon you, so I refuse to ask the question “What Would Jesus Do?” Then again, if we ask “What Would Ditka Do?”, Ditka might shine His light upon thee and grant you peace. Let’s face it, He is the last person that got you to the Promised Land. So . . . What Would Ditka Do?
Manage Grossman. As a quarterback, it’s important to get the ball in the hands of your playmakers. For the Bears to win, Grossman needs to hand off the ball three times, let Brad Maynard punt, and thus get the ball into the hands of the Bears’ playmakers – Devin Hester and the defense.
Tank Perry. Give Tank Johnson the ball on the goal line and tell him to run as if the cops are after him.
Left Guard. If Grossman needs some adversity to get going, have your offensive line ease up a couple times early and let him get his clock cleaned.
Defensive Line. Don’t confuse a great defensive line with a great line for the defense, such as “My kids needed those guns to protect themselves from the pit bulls.” In other words, don’t let Tank Johnson be a distraction. Oops, too late.
Potato Head. It may not be Bears football, but the Boise State playbook would like mighty good with Devin Hester in the backfield – or under center or spread wide.
Game Face. Wear it. The NFL Films cameras are always on, and even if you end up in a piece called Playoff Futility, you can burnish your legend if you have the right look.
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Seattle at Chicago
The bye week gave me some time to put the final touches on my Bears Playoff Loss Formula. I postulate the following: Cold and/or Inclement Weather + Opponent Strong Run Defense + Better Strategic Head Coach = Bears Playoff Loss. Let’s break it down quickly:
A) Cold and/or Inclement Weather. 32 and chance of snow. Grossman is a complete mess in cold weather. Believe it or not, Seattle has more experience with snow/rain this year, thanks to the global warming and El Nino. Advantage Seahawks.
B) Opponent Strong Run Defense. Seattle stinks. Advantage Bears.
C) Better Strategic Head Coach. Many regard Holmgren as some sort of genius, but I seriously doubt that assertion. In the regular season, I expected the Seahawks to spread the field, especially given the injury to Shaun Alexander and the general disarray of their running game. What did the Seahawks do? They ran the ball to the edges. I’m only a pundit, but it’s probably best to try something that you might do well at and not do something that makes it easier for the defense to stop. Believe it or not, Lovie is no worse than Holmgren, and a better motivator. Advantage Bears.
The Bears will lose in the NFC title game, but about 4 p.m. this Sunday, diabetics will receive a contact high from the humongous concentration of sugar in The Blue & Orange Kool-Aid.
Pick: Chicago minus-8/Under 38
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For Bears win:
Sugar in the Blue and Orange Kool-Aid: 60%
Recommended sugar in the Blue and Orange Kool-Aid: 60%
Sugar in the Super Bowl pitcher: 50%
Recommended sugar in the Super Bowl pitcher: 33%
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For more Emery, see the Kool-Aid archive, and the Over/Under archive. He can be contacted at Eric_Emery12345@yahoo.com.
Posted on January 10, 2007