By Eric Emery
The Kool-Aid Nation is in a state of obsession over what to do about Rex Grossman. There are two schools of thought.
1. The Bears are 9-2. Even if Grossman played the next five games with his pants around his ankles, the Bears still get home field advantage. He just might not be called Sexy Rexy anymore. This is also known as The Orton Plan of Just Managing The Game.
2. Brian Griese sure looks sexy – but in a non-threatening way. This is also known as The Orton Plan of Just Managing The Game. Where is Trent Dilfer when you need him?
Remote Viewing
The Tribune discovered this week that a lot of Bears fans go to electronics stores to watch the games. This is hardly news – married men have been using this technique for decades. What’s next, a trend story about men going to Home Depot to escape mundane duties at . . . home?
Electronics stores aren’t the only places to go to watch the game when you have to get out of the house or pretend you are shopping or running errands. Here are a few more.
Hospitals: Check yourself into a single room with a TV and order in a pizza. Instant access to medical care hen you develop a bleeding ulcer after Rex Grossman’s third interception.
Health Clubs (high impact): Run on treadmill and pretend you are Mark Bradley running down the sidelines. Hamstring pull included. Get injury sympathy from the hotties at the juice bar.
Health Club (low impact): While watching the game on the club’s big-screen, move 90 degrees every five minutes to scout out hotties at the juice bar. Good for the obliques.
Soldier Field parking lot: TV tailgating. At halftime, scour the parking lot for half-eaten brats. Wash down with 12 half filled cans of Old Style. Watch out for those cigarette butts!
Friendly Neighborhood Deli: Cut out the middleman. Instead of suffering through bad bar food while watching the game, go directly to the source and suffer through unsanitary deli food.
Millennium Park: Justify needless city expense by using metal statue thingy to supplement TV antenna.
Wrigley Field: Sneak into the clubhouse and settle into the same recliner that put Mike Remlinger on the DL. A great way to enjoy the Cubs and Bears together, with nobody getting hurt but you and whatever Cub you bump into.
Minnesota at Chicago
Intriguing game. Do we shackle Grossman and run into Minnesota’s strength, or do we throw the ball down the field? The heart says the former, but the numbers say the later. Then again, does it really matter? Either the Bears win 16-10 or 24-17. The Vikings keep it close enough. It’s a win for the Bears, but one that grants no confidence.
Pick: Minnesota plus 10/Over 36.5
For Bears win:
Sugar in the Blue and Orange Kool-Aid: 95%
Recommended sugar in the Blue and Orange Kool-Aid: 85%
Sugar in the Super Bowl pitcher: 80%
Recommended sugar in the Super Bowl pitcher: 35 %
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For more Emery, see the Kool-Aid archive, and the Over/Under archive. He can be contacted at Eric_Emery12345@yahoo.com. Or berate him publicly.
Posted on November 29, 2006