By Eric Emery
The further along we get in this Bears-infested season, the more desperately those of us outside the Kool-Aid Nation need to support each other. Here are some guidelines to help you if you are forced to watch the Bears with Bears fans.
1. Come with gifts. Sure, last week I gifted the 12-pack Ken left at my house two weeks earlier. This re-gift is appropriate and appreciated in guy-dom. The extra bag of BBQ chips softened him up.
2. Allow Bears fans time for pre-game hubris. A wise person once said, “You cannot reason with the unreasonable.” Allow Bears fans time to say things like “This game is over early” and “Urlacher sits at the right hand of God.” Remembering these quotes for later. And later will arrive – one of these weeks.
3. Prepare talking points. Both kinds.
a) Facts. Gather general information about the Bears. For instance, mentally note recent running backs who have run for more than a hundred yards against the Bears. Note Rex Grossman’s quarterback rating on the road. Commit to memory Bears wins vs. teams with winning records. That one’s easy.
b) Insults. Mix in standards like, “Wow, nice Urlacher jersey. For a moment, I thought you were Urlacher was right here until I noticed there where 10 other Urlachers here,” with obscurities such as ” What a mistake by Jason McKie. Put in the backup!”
4. Don’t bring a notepad. When the Bears are going good, Bear fans will say something stupid and then demand that you write it down. When the Bears are going bad, Bears fans will say something stupid and punch you in the face for writing it down.
5. Repeat inappropriate catchphrases liberally. “That had to hurt – not!” “Grab some benchmarks!” “Sexy Rexy Apoplexy!” “The Prophet’s open!”
6. Use facts to bring reasonable Bears fans to your side. After Tiki Barber ran for a big gain, Ken exclaimed, “Barber stinks!” I countered with, “Barber leads the NFL in yards rushing.”
7. If the Bears are losing or playing badly, pit reasonable Bears fans against unreasonable Bears fans.How do you know who is reasonable? Reasonable fans reserve from doing the following: Call for Griese, name Gould as their favorite player, or wear Urlacher jerseys. Use your new allies to annoy unreasonable fans. Watch fight. Open beer. Enjoy.
Follow these guidelines and your Kool-Aid soaked environment becomes tolerable. Besides, it’s 11 weeks until the Bears first-round home playoff loss, so use these guidelines to keep your spirits up.
Chicago at New York Jets
I cannot say the Bears are lucky, but they are fortunate. It’s been seven years since a team converted a 20+ run on third down. As for the Giants, “Coughlin” and “out-coached” appears in the same sentence often, a little more than “Lovie” and “No adjustments to game plan.”
Don’t be surprised if the Bears find a way to lose. The Jets are healthier than the Giants and, coming off their win in New England, have something to prove.
Pick: Jets plus 6.5 points/Over 38.5
For Bears win:
Sugar in the Blue and Orange Kool-Aid: 85%
Recommended sugar in the Blue and Orange Kool-Aid: 55%
Sugar in the Super Bowl pitcher: 94 percent.
Recommended sugar in the Super Bowl pitcher: 78 percent.
*
For more Emery, see the Kool-Aid archive, and the Over/Under archive. He can be contacted at Eric_Emery12345@yahoo.com. Or berate him publicly.
Posted on November 15, 2006