By Eric Emery
I’m not a big sports radio guy, but the post-game commisserating after last week’s stunning loss to the Dolphins was comedy gold.
Now that the Bears are embarking on a three-game road trip that could result in a four-game losing streak, though, we’d like to better prepare the Kool-Aid Nation for what lies ahead.
Here, then, is our six-step primer on How To Perform The Angry Sports Radio Call:
Step One. Use a manly sounding name from a tough-sounding town. Good: Tom from Chicago and Frank from Cicero. Bad: Rory from Rolling Meadows.
Step Two. Don’t ask hosts how they are doing. They’re on the phone with you so they’re not doing that well.
Step Three. Present a topic sentence. Good: “Lovie Smith is on sedatives.” Bad: “Lovie lockerroom adustments Rex back foot injuries Derrek Lee!”
Step Four. Show stamina. In 7th grade, the hot girl allowed you five seconds before shooting you down. On sports radio, you get up two minutes. The key is to steadily increase your volume and sense of indignation about what you’ve just seen. Imagine the increase in anger and desperation your wife feels as she moves from “Why is $100 missing from the checking account?” to “You tested positive for what after you spent that $100 in Tijuana?” Practice this technique at home. If the police respond to your domestic dispute, you are ready for next step.
Step Five. Devise subsequent sentences that differ slightly from the topic sentence. Good: “The Bears need to make a change at quarterback and the Colts need Briggs. Make the trade now. Colts get Briggs and Grossman, Bears get Manning. Briggs is leaving after this year, so get Manning from the Colts. We could really use Manning, and the Colts could really use Briggs and Grossman. Briggs is gone anyway, so pull the trigger.” Bad: “It’s time to make the move to Griese. The Bears also need to acquire a big-time receiver with Berrian hurt. Maybe they could trade Briggs for one.”
Step Six. Never say “I’ll hang up and listen to your answer.” Because once you’ve hung up, you’re not on the air anymore.
Chicago at New York Giants, Sunday night
True or false: “The Miami loss woke up the Bears.” True – just like the loss of both houses of Congress woke up the Republicans. And like the Republicans, what’s important now is the ability of the Bears to prevent a slide into irrelevancy. It doesn’t look good. Consider:
a) The Giants (6-2) only losses to are to Indianapolis and Seattle. They are for real – and in first place in the NFC East.
b) Tiki Barber leads the NFL in rushing years.
c) The Giants have allowed only 10.4 points per game in the last five games.
d) A Giants win ties them with the Bears with the best record in the NFC.
e) The Giants are at home.
f) Grossman may only last a half.
Pick: Giants minus-2.5 points/Under 37.5
For Bears win:
Sugar in the Blue & Orange Kool-Aid: 65 percent.
Recommended sugar in the Blue & Orange Kool-Aid: 40 percent.
Sugar in the Super Bowl pitcher: 85 percent.
Recommended sugar in the Super Bowl pitcher: 75 percent.
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For more Emery, see the Kool-Aid archive, and the Over/Under archive. He can be contacted at Eric_Emery12345@yahoo.com. Or berate him publicly.
Posted on November 9, 2006