By Eric Emery
I watched very little football this weekend. How do you write about something you know nothing about? I polled the Kool-Aid Nation. Here is their report.
First Quarter
* Bears return opening kickoff 242 yards, setting a record in return yards and also becoming the first team to collectively tear the space-time continuum. (Bears 7 – 49ers 0)
* Forty-Niners start their first drive from their own 20-yard line with a handoff to Frank Gore. Tommie Harris literally draws and quarters Gore, causing a fumble which he then returns for a touchdown. Harris feels bad about ending Gore’s life and sits out the rest of the game. (Bears 14 – 49ers 0)
* Bears kicker Robbie Gould kicks a 41-yard field goal. Gould actually missed the kick at first but the ball traveled around the world and sailed through the uprights on its second pass. (Bears 17- 49ers 0)
* Rex Grossman throws a touchdown pass that goes through the hands of former Bears defensive back Walt Harris and into the hands of current Bears wide receiver Bernard Berrian. Harris leaves the game and is listed as “probable” for next week with two missing hands. (Bears 24- 49ers 0)
Second Quarter
* The first-quarter field goal that Robbie Gould continues to orbit the earth. Since ball goes through uprights again, officials grant the Bears three more points. (Bears 27 – 49ers 0)
* Due to the lopsided score, Bears allow the 49ers to field 15 players. Brian Urlacher takes over the game by lifting 7 offensive linemen over his head and throwing them into 49ers quarterback Alex Smith. Officials grant the Bears a safety to honor this feat of strength. (Bears 29- 49ers 0)
* Bears running back Thomas Jones caps a 12-play drive by diving over line from the 49ers 10-yard-line. All PATs are waived by officials since the last kicked football is now out of Hubble range. (Bears 35 – 49ers 0)
* Angered by a lack of playing time, Bears running back Cedric Benson rips off an 80-yard touchdown run. Then he resumes pouting on the bench and demands a trade. (Bears 41 – 49ers 0)
Third Quarter
* Bears spend the third quarter in the locker room. Forty-Niners are too traumatized to score.
Fourth Quarter
* The Bears send out Willie Gault and Dan Hampton to finish game. The 49ers create a diversion, hit Dan Hampton on head with folding chair, and score a touchdown. (Bears 41 – 49ers 7)
* Having ruined the Bears shutout, the 49ers head straight for the airport, but both the Blue & Orange Lines are slowed due to a series of firest, switch malfunctions, and human errors. The Bears catch up with the 49ers on each line, beat them up, and steal their CTA cards. Refs award an additional 14 points, but upon replay review find the Bears were offsides at Clark/Lake. The 49ers kick a field goal when no one is looking. (Bears 41 – 49ers 10).
Miami at Chicago
Miami moved from “Decent” to “A Complete Embarrassment to the whole State of Florida” last week. It’s hard to embarrass a state that has produced hanging chads, KC and the Sunshine Band, and Katherine Harris, but the Dolphins have done it. Cuban-Americans in South Florida are so ashamed they are reportedly considering returning to Havana. Meanwhile, the Bears will send their starters to the East Coast early to prepare for the resumption of their regular season schedule.
Pick: Chicago minus 13.5 points/Over 38.5 points scored.
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Sugar in The Blue & Orange Kool-Aid: 97%
Recommended sugar in The Blue & Orange Kool-Aid: 90%
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For more Emery, see the Kool-Aid archive, and the Over/Under archive. He can be contacted at Eric_Emery12345@yahoo.com. Or berate him publicly.
Posted on November 4, 2006