By Carl Mohrbacher
Week 8 Recap
BOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Week 9: 10 Reasons To Watch
There are plenty of reasons to feel down about the last two weeks, what with the losing, the injuries to key players, the bad tackling, the terrible special teams play. I repeat, GOOOOOOO!!!
I mean, “boo.” Damn you autocorrect.
But what really grinds my gears is . . .
[Editor’s Note: It gets a little racist for about a paragraph. For those of you who read the piece before the “Top 10 Reasons That The Kolufo Tribe Are Scum” section was removed, we apologize. Please know that Carl’s opinions do not reflect the views of the Beachwood Reporter and we respect your right to conduct interclan warfare on the basis of a suspicion of witchcraft.]
. . . and the notion that you give conjugal preference to your great uncle’s daughter in polygymous marriage is, at best, a dick move practiced by a real bunch of fuck-wits.
As I was saying, rather than spend more time discussing what went wrong, let’s explore some reasons to invest your time in the 2015 Bears.
1. Philip Rivers and Jay Cutler might get into another on-field shouting match, by which I mean Rivers will yell something and Cutler will light up a smoke and walk away like he didn’t hear him.
2. Hank Williams Jr. has been invited back to sing the Monday Night Football theme [Editor’s Note: shortly before this went to print Williams was dropped by ESPN a second time after he said “look at that monkey run” live on Fox & Friends when a clip of President Obama playing basketball was onscreen.]
3. A Marriott ad featuring Erin Andrews is scheduled to run at halftime, which is weird because she left ESPN a couple years ago and currently works for Fox Sports.
4. What, like you’re going to be watching New Jack City on BET at 7 p.m. this Monday? Wait, is that the one with Mario Van Peebles, Judd Nelson and Wesley Snipes? Actually, that does sound pretty good . . .
5. How does Matt Slauson’s milkshake bring all the boys to the yard? Tune in to find out. The answer may surprise you.*
6. Have the opportunity to witness the start of a nine-win streak . . . COUGH. Sorry, I had something in my throat there. As I was saying, the start of a non-win streak.
7. In an effort to generate some quick revenue, Mayor Rahm Emanuel will temporarily lift the ban on cock fighting and sex work within the Chicago city limits. Some come on down to the Beachwood Inn to watch the game and bang Vicious Delicious, the warrior chicken.
8. Decode the anagram that is comprised of the names of Chicago players Patrick Omameh, Tayo Fabuluje, Ka’Deem Carey and Hroniss Grasu and qualify to win a grand prize of $15,000.**
9. Think how silly you’ll feel on Tuesday when you can’t intelligently speak to the halftime adjustments Adam Gase made to the blocking scheme with the other cashiers at Ulta.
10. It’s Monday and you’re married. You aren’t getting laid. You need an activity that doesn’t force you to hold in your farts. So start pounding that Tostito’s Zesty Queso Dip and get ready for something football-ish.
Better Know A Langford
Thanks to a Matt Forte injury which John Fox is calling a “mild to serious potentially leg-related contusion to the lower and/or upper uniform area that may or may not limit the player’s ability to perform in the upcoming week,” backup running back Jeremy Langford will get the start on Monday.
With only a couple dozen carries in 2015, Langford is something of an unknown for most Bears fans. So let’s take a moment to learn about Chicago’s feature back.
Born on March 4th, 1968, Jeremy Langford is the junior United States Senator from Oklahoma . . .
[Editor’s Note: No he isn’t.]
Alright. You got me. It’s getting late and I’ve done absolutely no research on . . . we’re talking about the city on the southern tip of Vancouver Island, right?
[Editor’s Note: Yes. We’re talking about a Canadian municipality with a population of 22,000 topping the running back depth chart for the Chicago Bears.]
As I was saying, Jeremy Langford attended Michigan State and was a fourth-round pick by the Bears in last year’s draft . . . he scored a touchdown that one time against the Lions?
[Editor’s Note: Uh, actually I think you about covered it.]
Thanks for the assist, Steve.
Kool-Aid (2 of 5 Pints Of Stone IPA)
I’m not setting any trends here, but like many people I am a fan of the San Diego brewery’s best known brew.
So I plan to put some in face on Monday night.
And in totally unrelated news (read: the next statement has a strong corollary to the prior one), I plan to do a terrible job at work on Tuesday, November 10th.
Hi boss.
I didn’t think it was possible, but the Chargers boast something empirically worse on special teams than the Bears.
As of this writing, San Diego has racked up one, lone, single, solitary punt return yard all season.
That’s right. Catching the ball and falling forward twice would have doubled their output.
Former Super Bowl hero Jacoby “Jesus” Jones was cut this week as a result of this poor play and in the process became my hero. One day, I dream of a moment where someone yells “You’re fired, now get the hell off the property and don’t let the $1.6 million dollar signing bonus hit in the ass on the way out.”
Now that I’ve jinxed it, smash cut to Monday at 8:20 p.m. as the Bears give up their second punt return TD in as many series.
I truly want to believe that the Bears can beat a team that is bad, old and injured.
They really should win . . . but after watching the secondary’s “work” last week, I see them as a road dog thanks to the Chargers passing attack.
“But Carl,” you say. “Keenan Allen is injured, Jacoby Jones is unemployed, Malcom Floyd is bad and Stevie Johnson is old. Other than Danny Woodhead and Antonio Gates, who do the Chargers have to throw to?”
“We” didn’t say anything of the sort. Considering how bad the secondary covers and tackles professional football players, you just listed five legitimate threats. They’ve been so bad that there’s even a chance that Jones might catch a pass from his couch.
Are you guys Steve?
[Editor’s Note: No, I am.]
Thanks again, Steve. Glad we could straighten that out.
Bears lose in another tight one.
Chargers 24, Bears 23
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* Answer: Big Dong.
** Answer: “Kaboom ham fudge cat yak jam lube rope” – eight of the active ingredients in Papa John’s pizza sauce. Monday Night Football! Brought to you by Papa John’s! Don’t ask what “kaboom” is.
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About The Author
Carl Mohrbacher invites you to help bring a masterpiece to life. His Kickstarter campaign for a fan fiction Boondock Saints novel begins this Monday, so get ready for the realization of a Saints/Star Trek TNG/Harlem Globetrotters crossover you only thought was possible in your dreams.
Have your credit cards ready (you’ll want all of them) and visit the project’s home page at www.kickstarter.com/97778565/Boondock-Saints-3. You could win prizes like a writing workshop, a personalized Kwanzaa candle, or a dinner with Carl in which he “forgets” his wallet.
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Carl Mohrbacher is our man on the Kool-Aid. He welcomes your comments.
Posted on November 5, 2015