By Carl Mohrbacher
Pee Yew “N” “T”
Busy day for starting punter Pat O’Donnell, who successfully kicked the ball away from Jimmy Clausen in every Bears offensive series.
In case you missed the game, congratulations on your exciting day of yardwork, tax prep, abortion, or any of the other activities that were more entertaining than the process of watching last Sunday’s contest in Seattle.
The game was the worst kind of bad: uninteresting.
A train wreck that you couldn’t stop not looking at.
True story: I spent a significant portion of the second quarter actively listening to a conversation between the bartender and her manager regarding the whereabouts of a blue binder where all of the establishment’s personnel policies and procedures are kept (Rule 12 – do not drink with the co-worker you are currently railing on the premises when only one of you is working a second shift).
When I returned my attention to the game, head coach John Fox was running out to midfield to offer a conciliatory handshake to his counterpart Pete Carroll, even though it was halftime.
The Bears were so prone to three-and-outs Sunday that it spilled over into the post-game press conference.
Fox: Alright, you guys have any questions?
Bob Condotta, Seattle Times: Coach, it looked like you were competing pretty well there through halftime. What happened in the third quarter?
Fox: We felt it was important to stick to a strategy of ball-control. Safe, sideways passes. Running the football, regardless of down-and-distance. Working the play clock, when losing by multiple scores. Fundamental football. You got two more before I get O’Donnell back out here.
Condotta: The punter again? What do you mean by that?
Fox: Okay, that’s three. (Jogs away from podium. Still in full uniform, Pat O’Donnell sprints into the press room and kicks the mic through the ceiling).
Swap Meet
The rapid-fire trades of Jared Allen to the Panthers for a sixth-rounder and Jon Bostic to the Patriots for a conditional bag of Kraft Homestyle Mac n’ Cheese, and the cutting of Brock Vereen in exchange for fewer guys named “Brock” on the roster* signaled that one of the unfortunate souls who has watched all three of this season’s games so far in their entirety was Bears general manager Ryan Pace.
While Allen looks to be a solid contributor for an already solid Carolina defense and a terrifying enforcer for the Indian pimp in the movie Bachelor Party**, Bostic was immediately cut by New England after telling owner Robert Kraft that he loved the Liquid Gold commercials, a highly successful campaign created by Kraft brand Velveeta and a seemingly insightful piece of small talk.
What Bostic couldn’t have known is that the highly unsuccessful follow-up to the “Liquid Gold” series was a brainchild of Kraft himself – the surprisingly risque “Chow That Cheesy Noodle” campaign which has been “credited” with a 17% drop in macaroni sales during the ad’s run, while adult circumcision during the same time period increased 22% within both rural and urban areas of Massachusetts.
The backlash from this campaign has been a sore spot for the Pats owner for months and in an irrational fit of rage, Bostic was sent packing on Tuesday.
Meanwhile, my sources tell me that with the season effectively over, no one’s job is safe. Other trades being explored include:
- Matt Forte for Herschel Walker, along with the Vikings second-, third- and 10th-round picks in the 1992 draft***.
- A three-way trade between the 49ers, Redskins and Bears that sends Martellus Bennett to San Francisco, Vernon Davis to the Redskins, a Redskins second-round pick to San Francisco, Martellus Bennett to the Redskins and a Bears third-round pick to Washington for Martellus Bennett and a sixth-round pick.
- A Gino’s East booth from the Soldier Field concourse that will net three Jacksonville Jaguar cheerleaders to be named later.
Rai-drrrr Nation
When they’re not busy attacking impoverished outcrops of humanity for their limited oil resources in post-apocalyptic Australia, Oakland Raider fans can be found attacking impoverished Phillips 76 stations in currently apocalyptic Oakland.
There is some good news this week.
While Oakland fans aren’t known for traveling this far east, you can be confident that if you encounter someone on the street dressed in spiked shoulder pads and an entire face worth of eyeliner, it’s technically legal to kick them in the genitals sight unseen, whether or not they have a “rape-y” look about them.
They almost certainly deserve it, one way or the other.
According to the Elias Sports Bureau, it is the first time in “fucking foreeeeeeeever” that the Raiders look to be a team on the rise.
Young stars like Latavius Murray, Aravious “Ray-Ray” Armstrong, Amari Cooper and L’Carpetron Dookmarriot (okay, I made that last one up . . . okay, I didn’t make that last one up) are propelling Oakland into the rarified air of competitive legitimacy.
Traveling fan base or not, I wonder when attendance will start to drop off for the Bears.
When I pay $75 to have my eyeballs abused, I at least like to climax once before walking away from the scene of the crime in disgust. I don’t think I’m the only one who feels this way, so look for a few tickets to be snacked up by Mel Gibson’s old nemeses****, the Jews.
Kool-Aid (1 of 5 Cans Of “Todd The Axe Man”)
This beer is delicious and, like my wife, its can has a skull painted on it*****.
Skull. Raiders. Etcetera.
Sorry it’s been a long day and I’m having a hard time getting my usual totally non-homosexual football boner for this match-up.
With any luck, the majority of players on the Bears roster will have been traded for either high draft picks or slightly deflated balls. We need all the help we can get.
With Jimmy Clausen at the helm and the team firmly in the throes of suck-a-tude, expect another conservative game plan designed to help expedite the evaluation of defensive talent currently on the squad.
Hey, why wait till the 2016 training camp?
I see a decent first-half performance from the run game and a good enough performance on D to give the Bears a 9-7 halftime lead. But Oakland’s offensive aptitude will win out.
Raiders 28, Bears 16
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* Truth be told, Virginia McCaskey suspects that everyone named “Brock” is a secret Muslim and saw to it that Vereen was removed from the squad. The timing was entirely coincidental.
** Oh, so you read my stuff when I put one of your jokes in here, eh Mrs. Wifey?
*** I’ve been assured by several people that you must be at least 40-years-old and following football since the late Eighties to get that reference. For everyone else, here you go.
**** Nemes-es-is? Neme-sees? Nemeni? Mennonites? What the hell is the plural of “nemesis?”
***** Just checking to see if you’re still reading this, hon.
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About The Author
Carl Mohrbacher’s Cubs playoff beard has reached a stage where friends and family are constantly asking, “Are you alright? You look tired.” He has also approved a pre-Homecoming dinner at Chipotle for his daughter, in the hopes that she will repel young suitors with farts.
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Carl Mohrbacher is our man on the Kool-Aid. He welcomes your comments.
Posted on October 1, 2015