By Eric Emery
This week, the Bears return to what was their happy home. After losing in yet another creative way, Soldier Field will feel like a home – a home that is on the brink of a bitter divorce. Here, Bears fans will split, warming up their baseball rivalries for the 2010 season.
I caution Bears fans to stick together by attacking the real problem: the Chicago Bears. Frankly, the Bears fans’ effort has been downright disappointing. Sure, some made posts to forums and friends’ Facebook pages (which were totally entertaining!), but if you really want change, you have to make it happen. Let’s face it, voting for change but doing nothing about it is so 2008.
I highly recommend Bears fans employ the following tactics to get Lovie Smith and his staff fired:
1. Increase website urls:
This area needs significant help. I’ve found fireloviesmith.com and fireronturner.net. Two websites will not get the job done. Here are some recommendations to get you started:
- “sendlovietodetroit.com”
- “blagofordacoach.com”
- “barackchangethedacoachforus.com”
- “lovieforonewayticketoutofhere.com”
- “bringbackwannstedt.com
- “yourmommashouldcoachthebears.com”
- “pwnlovie.com” (photoshop Lovie’s face on passed out people)
- “loviewipethatfuckingstupidlookoffyourface.com”
- “turnerspicsoflovie.com” (pics of Lovie that explain why Turner is still employed)
- “corpseofhalasforcoach.com”
- “ditkaforcoach.com”
- “postresumeforfuturebearsjob.com”
2. Post your grievances:
In 1517, Martin Luther posted the 95 Theses at the Castle Church in Wittenberg, Germany. He did so because he was really pissed off at the Catholic Church. Do you know what all 95 Theses were? Of course not. All you really know is that he was seriously pissed off. Who knows, one of the grievances could have been “I’m sick and tired of spending 1 ½ hours in fucking church. Don’t you think we could shorten this shit up a bit?”
So you need to post your own list. One other important thing, you really cannot post these online. Besides, online posts are for lazy people. You need to go old school and personally go to Soldier Field or Halas Hall and post these up yourself. Plus, Martin Luther didn’t have Kinkos, so really, you have no excuse.
Along with your very legitimate grievances, here are some others:
- Every time Ron Turner calls a play, a kitten dies. You like kittens, don’t you? (I highly recommend including a picture of a really cute kitten.)
- If I pay for another ticket with Smith as head coach, you need to provide free beer.
- We expect this from the Cubs. Bears, you have really disappointed us this time.
- In this town, only Daley gets to pay people for doing nothing productive.
- Remember this change fad? Well, get cracking.
- I’m staying at my mother’s house tonight and I’m taking the kids with me.
- I think you have a problem with alcohol.
3. Signs at the game
At this point, you might say “I’ll go to the game and boo a lot”. This is not a good strategy. Boos are for general dissatisfaction. Boos create collateral damage. You don’t want to boo Robbie Gould.
Signs center frustration with those who deserve it. Chances are your sign will not make in on TV. Most football announcers cannot read anyway. But they can count.
You can also opt for some other displays that qualify as signs:
- Dress like Lovie Smith while holding a clipboard with a large “?” on it.
- Buy plane ticket in Lovie’s name and enlarge it for display purposes. Make sure you pick an undesirable city, such as Bagdad, Kabul, or Oakland.
- Acquire two paper bags, one big and one small. Cut holes for eyes. Buy a lifelike doll. Wear bag and place small bag on doll. (Do not use a real baby, even if they are pissed off too.)
4. Just do something crazy
- Boycott all the “official sponsors of the Chicago Bears”, such as U.S. Cellular, Staples, Motorola, and United. Continue to use Wm. Meyers Movers Inc. Perhaps they will really be the official moving and storage provider to Lovie Smith.
- Organize a Chicago hunger strike. You will not eat Italian beef sandwiches until the Bears fire Lovie.
- Call sports radio and give them ways they could trade Lovie for something worthless, like the whole Raiders roster.
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Game: Eagles at Bears
Storyline: Everybody in Chicago hates Lovie. Everybody in Philadelphia hates McNabb, but at least he’ll help a team win.
Reality: It’s time to trade Lovie and two more first round draft picks to Philly for McNabb.
Prediction: Philadelphia Minus 3 Points, Under 45 Points Scored
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Sugar in the Blue and Orange Kool-Aid: 20%
Recommended sugar in the Blue and Orange Kool-Aid: 10%
Posted on November 20, 2009