By Carl Mohrbacher
Crystal Ball Edition.
Week 1: vs. Bills.
In a proverbial must-win Week One game, Donte Rosario explodes for three special teams tackles. During the second quarter, a mic’d up Mel Tucker is overheard muttering “Who the hell is playing quarterback for these assholes . . . ” on the live Fox broadcast. A frantic Lance Briggs is seen hurling a pulled pork sandwich over his shoulder and yelling “Oh shit, that was today???” into his cell phone while fleeing the The Double Nickel Smokehouse at 9:20 a.m. Pacific Sunday morning. Not to worry, Bears win 31-10.
Week 2: @ 49ers.
Expectations are forcibly shat back to Earth as the 2014 Bears continue a proud franchise tradition of forgetting how to play football in clammy, 61-degree environments. Hoping to avoid future such calamities, CEO Ted Phillips opts not to return Roger Goodell’s phone calls regarding a potential 2016 Chicago/Arizona match-up in foggy London town. Bears lose 37-6.
Week 3: @ Jets.
Two weeks after the word “assholes” is broadcast on regional television, Goodell suspends the Fox Network for six games for violating the NFL’s ever-expanding conduct policy. Eric Decker shaves his weird mustache just prior to kickoff because Michael Vick convinced him that looking like Freddie Mercury increases your chances of getting AIDS by 57%. Unclear as to whether Vick was just messing with Decker or was legitimately concerned. Bears win 20-17.
Week 4: vs. Packers.
Julius Peppers returns to Chicago for the first time in over one home game. Randall Cobb inexplicably scores a 95-yard touchdown on a screen pass in which 14 tackles are missed, including one by that live bear we put on the sidelines. Dammit Barry, pretend he’s a salmon! A late touchdown pass to Alshon Jeffery not enough as Bears lose 24-17.
Week 5: @ Panthers.
Cam Newton and Jonathan Stewart combine for 265 rushing yards in a game that feels like a total regression to last season’s defensive woes, but it turns out the Panther defense isn’t anywhere near as good as anyone thought they were going to be. Ron Rivera is seen crumpling up a wooden clip board like a piece of paper after failing to convert a 4th-and-16 on the Panthers’ 22-yard line late in the final quarter. He later explains to a reporter that he doesn’t like the nickname “Riverboat Ron” because he already named his penis “Steamboat Willie.” Bears eke out a road win 37-35 in an unexpected shootout.
Week 6: @ Falcons.
Devin Hester and Eric Weems greet their former team by jointly returning the opening kickoff for a touchdown, then wiping it out by committing a needless taunting penalty. Falcons QB Matt “Matty Ice” Ryan stuns alcoholics everywhere by officially endorsing Red Dog, the beer that garnered such crowdsourced reviews as “a trip down memory lane in the worst way;” “it is not safe for rat consumption;” and “takes the edge off of a stressful morning at work.” Bears win 27-23.
Week 7: vs. Dolphins.
Unbeknownst to the rest of the Dolphins, offensive coordinator Bill Lazor and his entire staff become locked in the bathroom after the first series, forcing his 10-year-old nephew Dwight to call the plays. Assuming actual football is just like Madden ’07, Dwight calls only Hail Marys, bootlegs and sweeps – a strategy the Mel Tucker sniffs out just before the end of the third quarter. An edge in the turnover battle lifts the Bears to a 28-17 win.
Week 8: @ Patriots.
Nope, Bears linebackers can’t keep up with Gronk, so Tom Brady just keeps friggin’ throwing it to him. Bears lose 38-24.
Week 9: @ Bye.
As part of a cruel trick by the Bears coaching staff, Kelvin Hayden is “promoted” from the practice squad and told he will be on the team’s active roster in this week’s match-up against Tennessee. Hayden travels to Memphis by bus, arrives early in the morning and, undeterred by the fact that he is not a member of the Titans organization, dresses for the game. Inexplicably, Hayden is permitted to play in nickel packages in place of second-string corner Coty Sensabaugh because they share the same number, despite wearing a Bears uniform and knowing none of the defensive scheme.
Week 10: @ Packers.
The story of the game is that Shea McClellin knocks a Green Bay quarterback out for the majority of the season for the second year in a row. Unfortunately, it’s because he overpursues Jordy Nelson so badly that he tackles an unsuspecting Matt Flynn from behind while the back-up is reading political humor on an iPad* while standing on the sidelines. Bears lose 28-27.
Week 11: vs. Vikings.
Surprising absolutely no one, Adrian Peterson rushes for 212 yards. Surprising some, the Bears win the game thanks to five touchdown passes by Jay Cutler, including one to Barry the Bear, who thinks he’s people after eating a Snickers. Bears win 41-20.
Week 12: vs. Bucs.
Former head coach Lovie Smith makes his triumphant return to the Windy City and nearly gets out of town with another win. However, the classic flaw in his signature defense is exposed once again; having a two-point lead late in the fourth and refusing to play anything but a super soft Cover 2 shell. Robbie Gould’s foot is true and the Bears pick up a big 21-20 win.
Week 13: @ Lions.
From a statistical standpoint, the Chicago defense does an excellent job of preventing Detroit’s big skill players from getting off**. Poor special-teams play, though, finally catches up to the Bears and really bites them in the ass. Jeremy Ross averages 37 yards per kickoff return and takes a punt to the house. Bears lose 34-31 despite the fact that Calvin Johnson misses the game for personal reasons . . . namely that he is ravaging Earth’s supply of Energon Cubes.
Week 14: vs. Cowboys.
Not to be outdone by Chicago or Seattle, Jerry Jones opts to include his mascot on the trip north to show the Second and Emerald cities how to showboat. It turns out that the live version of the Dallas mascot looks a lot less like Tim McGraw, and a lot more like some guy in a dress shirt spray-painted silver with a gun and some rope. He is arrested immediately upon entering the stadium. Fortunately for Dallas, Barry is already asleep for the winter, having gorged himself on the contents of the concession stand Dumpsters while the rest of the team was out of town. Unfortunately for the visitors, it is December, this is the Cowboys we’re talking about, and nobody can give me a reason to believe that Chicago’s receiving corps can be covered by the Dallas secondary. Bears win 38-10.
Week 15: vs. Saints.
Drew Brees and company visit the lakefront with their playoff hopes on the line. Eager to kick the city of Chicago right in its juevos once again, Mother Nature deals the Bears a ridiculously balmy December night. Brees even manages to shoot a Tide ad*** early in the second quarter, which the Bears do not contest because even with a film crew on the field, conditions are still better than most Week 15 home games. At the end of the night, we get a shootout at the Chi-Town Corral. Problem is, the Bears end up on the wrong side of it, losing 48-41.
Week 16: vs. Lions.
A late touchdown grab by Megatron is wiped off the board when replays “confirm” that he did not control the ball while crossing the plane of the goal line. In the offseason, the NFL will implement the widely unpopular “Calvin Johnson Rule 2 (The Re-Johnson-ing),” which stipulates that handing the ball to the ref after taking four strides into the end zone does not constitute the completion of the catching process. Bears win 24-20.
Week 17: @ Vikings.
The Bears light up a bad Vikings defense and finish the season 10-6. However, the win is not enough to make the playoffs and Lovie Smith is fired by the Bucs.
Kool-Aid (4 Out Of 5 Bombers – Blood Of The Unicorn)
We’re opening at home, so let’s kick things off with one of my favorite local brews from Pipeworks.
In all honesty, the excitement of this match-up is mostly driven by the fact that this is the first real Bears game in nearly nine months, even though both teams are in first place (by virtue of having city names that start with “B” and “C”).
Let’s face it, some of the most mundane things in life are made enjoyable by not having done them for half a year (see – “Men” comma “Married” comma “Missionary”).
By all accounts, the Bills are a slated to be a pretty bad squad, so the Bears should pull away as the game progresses and won’t be in much doubt after the third quarter, so make some good snacks and warm up the Red Zone channel.
Bears 31, Bills 10.
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* Dick Durbin sleeping with a dead horse. HA! Where do these guys come up with this BLAARRRGGG!!!
** By forcing them to think about baseball.
*** Hi, I’m Drew Brees. I may be a man of average height with a weird birthmark on my face, but I’m still one of the best players in NFL history and I nabbed a hot blonde wife. So given my history of success, trust me when I say I can devise a method for getting that guacamole stain out of the crotch of your size 48 sweatpants.
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Carl Mohrbacher is our man on the Kool-Aid. He welcomes your comments.
Posted on September 4, 2014