By Carl Mohrbacher

Definitely would have been more fun if Hawk Harrelson had called the game – you know, like driving is more fun when you’re doing whip-its.
You know, Stone Pony, I played on a pretty bad team in KC back in ’64, we were down 21 to nothin’ to the Philadelphia Mexicans that year on several occasions . . . several. We called ’em that because there was a guy named Tony Gonzalez playing center, but let me tell you sumthin’, We never put on such a poor display of athletics-ism as the Bears are dumpin’ out there right now. Never would have happened in KC . . . not while Manny “Dos Numeros” Jimenez was roaming left center. Wore number 15 and 20 that year, did Manny. We had four Mexican outfielders that year, if you counted me . . .
As I write this I’m beginning to believe that Hawk is just a slightly spryer version of Grandpa Simpson.
Thanks to excessive holiday Scotch intake, I’ve erased much of this game from my memory. By all accounts, the game was terrible.
“I thought we had a . . . game plan,” “said” Bears quarterback Jay Cutler, postgame. “Obviously, we didn’t . . . ”
‘Nuff said. Moving on.

I Am The One Who Knocks* . . . You Out Of The Playoffs
Other than the fact the Lions managed to piss away the division, who could have predicted a final week of the 2013 regular season like this?
The Bears and Packers are gearing up for battle to determine who will suffer an embarrassing first-round loss against the Saints.
The Vikings still haven’t been told they were eliminated from playoff contention weeks ago, or that an 18-game season hasn’t been implemented yet, and have re-signed Donovan McNabb in hopes of making a push for the postseason.
But who can blame them.
Seemingly everybody in the NFL except the Vikings and Lions are participating in a game that has playoff implications. The scenarios are so convoluted that they include the Dolphins making the playoffs only if they lose, and Kyle Orton, the only quarterback in history whose water bottle is filled with Jack Daniel’s Barbeque Glaze, is leading the Cowboys to a division title.
Which in a weird way means the Bears have as good a chance as anybody to win a couple games in a row. Remember when they did that at the beginning of the year?
If you don’t, then you’ve probably been partying in the back of a limo with Kyle Orton.
But first things first. The Bears may have to play – and I stress may, because Shea McClellin is rumored to still be in the Bears employ – an entire game against an Aaron Rodgers-led Packer squad chomping at the bit to notch their eighth win of the year.
Can they do it? It’s entirely possible.
Just puff out your chest and remind the world that a company big enough to be listed on the NASDAQ disappears if you don’t show up to work on Sunday.
Errors And Omissions
Last week’s column sported a number of errors, though the one that caused the biggest kerfuffle was my declaration that it was possible that the Bears could legitimately play the Eagles in the first round of the playoffs, even though the only scenario in which the Bears and Eagles both make the playoffs is if they each win their division, thus matching them up with wild-card teams.
Angry letters were written, slurs were hurled and two staffers in the editing department were nearly burned at the stake for letting this inaccuracy make it to print.
Before anybody besides intern Randy gets hurt (he will be missed), let me offer some insight into the methods that take The Blue And Orange Kool-Aid Report (BAOKAR) from my asshole to the internets.
During the arduous process of editing of the season’s first column, the editorial team at The Beachwood Reporter calculated that fact-checking or even spell-checking an average BOOKAAR would praduce an additional 1,000-wurd addendum to the following weeks collumm.
They also discovered that Carl can bench press a Toyota Forerunner and that he should totally try out for the Bulls, because he’s 6-foot-7 with a great turnaround jumper.
Because of the demand for original written content (read: the Internet’s white space between cat memes), a compromise was struck between the “talent” and the cutting crew.
We decided to eschew a bit of journalistic integrity for the sake of efficiency, knowing that retractions would have to be produced at some point.
It was left to me and the low intern on the totem pole (rest in peace, Randy) to circle back on the season’s body of work and address the most egregious of the inaccuracies.

Week 2 – Bears vs. Vikings: Jared Allen was not in Predator, nor did he become the governor of “Dicksville,” Kentucky, in a narrow victory over Carl Weathers.
Week 3 – Bears at Steelers: Jerricho Cotchery is a wide receiver on the Pittsburgh Steelers and not the villain in an unpublished Mark Twain novella.
Week 4 – Bears at Lions: Jim Schwartz was (you heard me) the coach of the Detroit Lions and not a ranking colonel in the devil’s army of human shit.
Week 5 – Bears vs. Saints: Drew Brees did throw beads into the crowd in an effort to get fans to take off their shirts; however, he did not plan on making this happen.
Week 6 – Bears vs. Giants: There is no “I” in team.
Week 7 – Bears at Washington: I copied/pasted a column I wrote in October 2010 about the then-upcoming Bears/Washington tilt in Soldier Field. The predictions for Ryan Torain’s rushing totals should have been a dead giveaway.
Week 8 – Bye Week: I wrote 2,200-word column about the upcoming rubber match between the Bears and the Oilers . . . the Edmonton Oilers.
Week 9 – Bears at Packers: The capital of Montana is Helena.
Week 10 – Bears vs. Lions: Turns out Barry Sanders is alive and well.
Week 11 – Bears vs. Ravens: We mistakenly printed the caption “Joe Flacco throws for 350 yards, overcomes Estonian stereotypes” under a photo of Troy Smith.
Week 12 – Bears at Rams: The Rams logo is not derived from a satanic ritual. That would be the Cowboys’.
Week 13 – Bears at Vikings: Adrian Peterson is fueled by banana peels and crumpled beer cans, not HGH.
Week 14 – Bears vs Cowboys: Jimmy Johnson isn’t just the president of ExtenZe, he’s also a client. We inaccurately reported that he was merely a spokesman.
Week 15 – Bears at Browns: “Chris Ogboyanna,” is not spelled with a “K.”
Week 16 – Bears at Eagles: Joe Walsh was never officially a fullback for the Eagles.

My Two Front Teeth
What do you get the men who have every conceivable luxury?
It’s a yearly conundrum for the wives and mistresses of the professional football player. It’s too late for 2013, but for those of you looking to get a jump on the 2014 iteration of capitalism’s favorite holiday, here are some ideas:

Josh McCown: A “safe” place to put the multi-millions of dollars he earned himself, like a hiding spot in the attic.
Shea McClellin: A job.
Marc Trestman: Because his face only looks right under a hat, additional hats.
Martellus Bennett: A box of Count Chocula. We’re expanding our horizons.
Matt Forte: Tickets to Gwar.
Tim Jennings: Ed Hochuli’s bestseller Make Triceps And Influence Others.

Kool-Aid (5 Pitchers Of Blue Kool-Aid and 5 Pitchers Of Orange Kool-Aid)
C’mon, this is pretty fun.
Nobody wanted to see them get annihilated by Philly last week, but for what the Bears and Packers are this season, this is a perfect finisher. Kind of like the cheeseburger you go out to eat after you discover that escargot tastes like greasy shit, or the fat girl who responds to the “you up?” text at 2:45 a.m.
The Bears should win. They’ve got a better offense. And while eating pallets of cheese sped up the calcification process of his healing collarbone, Aaron Rodgers can’t possibly be 100%, especially with the constipation caused by all of that cheese.
Plus, with a 9-7 record, you’ll still have a home team with more wins than the AFC’s 6th seed.
It’s time to feel good!
Take that fans of the Chargers, Dolphins, Ravens, or Steelers!
Take that fans of expensive French cuisine!
Take that terrible other teams in the NFC North!
The 2013 Bears: I’ve banged fatter!
Bears 28
Packers 27
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*Fans of crafting homemade Breaking Bad shirts, here is your next assignment.
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Carl Mohrbacher is our man on the Kool-Aid. He welcomes your comments.

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Posted on December 27, 2013

We Regret The Errors