By Eric Emery
Last week, I predicted that the Kool-Aid Nation was finally going to turn against Lovie Smith. And turn they did! It’s safe to say that last week’s debacle transformed the Kool-Aid to a bitter, semi-fermented swill.
Here’s the problem: The city’s sportswriters insist that Lovie isn’t going anywhere because Halas Hall hates the idea of eating two years of his contract. Here at the Kool-Aid Report, we know that isn’t true. The real issues is that Bears management is simply too loyal. And with unemployment topping 10 percent, Bears management knows that Smith cannot survive in today’s job market.
Bears management could, however, work with an outplacement agency to line up a job for Lovie before launching him. Here are a few ideas that might work.
* Send Smith to the governor’s office, where he could use his calming demeanor to settle massive budget shortfall fears.
* Send Smith to the Blackhawks as their new Fatherly Figure. Lesson one: How to tip cabbies.
* Send Smith to City Hall, where he could use his powers of denial to resurrect Chicago 2016.
* Send Smith to President Obama’s “Jobs Summit,” where he could change the way economic statistics are reported. For instance, doesn’t 89.5 percent employed sound more palatable than the way they describe it now?
* Send Smith to the Cubs to replace Lou Piniella. Based on past performance, Smith would at least lead the Cubs to one World Series appearance before sinking back into mediocrity.
* Give Smith a leave of absence to send him to TTA: Tampa Two Anonymous. He might just come back a new man.
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Game: Bears at 49ers
Storyline: In case you hadn’t heard, Niners head coach Mike Singletary is a former Bear. Didn’t see him play? Think of Hunter Hillenmeyer. Now think of the opposite. That was Singletary.
Reality: I cannot believe that I picked the Bears to win the division. I stink.
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Pick: SF Minus 3 Points, Under 43.5 Points Scored
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Bitterness in the Blue and Orange Swill: 85%
Recommended Bitterness in the Blue and Orange Swill: 95%
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For more Emery, please see the Blue & Orange Kool-Aid Report archives and the Over/Under collection. He welcomes your comments.
Posted on November 12, 2009