By Carl Mohrbacher
Room For Improvement
The title isn’t meant to be a sarcastic quip. I suggest we take the Bears defense into a room and beat them until they improve.
And by “we,” I mean a group of guys who are in much better shape than I am. Possibly led by Bennie Cunningham or any other athlete who ever occupied a spot on the Rams running back depth chart (go get ’em Eric Dickerson!) or maybe even a star of the Food Network (go get ’em Robert Irvine!).
Sunday’s game suuuhhhhh-cked.
You may be saying “Hey Carl, we clicked over here from the vintage porn site because we’re looking for hard-hitting football analysis during our 20-minute refractory period. Tell us exactly what sucked so bad about it.”
To which I say:
Juggle my left one.
Coincidentally, “vintageTenticalCam.biz” has been acquired “juggleMyLeftOne.org,” which means that, because it was under the umbrella of the Patch family of websites and is for the moment an AOL company, my review of classic ’90s adult cinema will be published on e-page 6 of the Huffington Post.
You know what cheers me up after losing millions on a merger and/or acquisition? P.J. Spaa-aarxx (he said sing-songingly)!
With a visit to the Minnesota Adrian Peterson looming, Chicago is going to have to do something about this mess. How fast do performance-enhancing-drugs kick in anyway?
Festival Of Cool Whip Lite
And with Jay Cutler injured again, the Bears searched and found only a single quarterback who had a cursory understanding of the playbook and whose salary would keep the team under the salary cap.
It appeared as though his knowledge of the offense and cruse of oil that he wore instead of a wristband with the plays on it would only permit him the resources to lead the offense for a single game.
A miracle occurred, and he led the team with this oil for six games!
And thanks to his leadership in the successful revolt against the Seleucid monarchy, and subsequent conquering of the Hopi, Sioux and Crow tribes in the battle of Tennessee, Bears fans established this week as days of festivity and praise and thanksgiving*.
And that is how Josh McCown saved the Pilgrims during the harsh winter at Valley Forge.
Meanwhile, those of you who aren’t busy controlling the media and receiving a pack of Walmart gym socks from your Aunt Netanya this Thursday are just going to have to make due with America’s greatest tradition: overindulgence.
I plan to eat three kinds of turkey and get drunk enough to ask my gay cousin a series of inappropriate questions spawned from baseless assumptions.
So like, you can just go to the park and bang? Why do you guys want to get married? The hairless guy over there, he’s on the bottom, right?
Looking forward to it!
Getting Defensive
I don’t think the Bears can stop Adrian Peterson, but they may be able to trick him.
It doesn’t count as 12 men on the field if Chris Conte carries a cardboard cutout of Charles Tillman he stole from the Sports Authority.
And even if this cutout has a dialogue bubble that says “Ball punch high prices in the throat this holiday season,” Christian Ponder may audible into a pass every fifth play, in which case we can expect only a 17-carry, 198-yard performance.
Other options include setting a plate of leftovers on the northern 40-yard line in hopes that Vikings offensive lineman Phil Loadholt will simply stop blocking or asking Tom Skilling to whip up a mud slide or some weather event that will slow down a run game.
Other than that, or lifting the NFL’s ban on firearms, I’m out of ideas.
Kool-Aid (1 Out Of 5 Goblets Of Mulled Wine)
If you told me 29 minutes ago that something boiled in cinnamon would get me drunk 20 minutes ago, I’d tell you . . . where was I going with this?
Maybe it’s the impending food coma, maybe it’s the match-up, maybe it’s because my football wood is aimed squarely at Thursday match-ups, but I’m not excited about this Sunday’s game.
If the Bears win, and they should, it’s against a team that can’t even lose properly to a tandem of Scott Tolzien and Matt Flynn.
If they don’t, blech.
7-5, here we come!
Bears 28
Vikings 17
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* Looking forward to having a Menorah-shaped tomahawk thrown through my window this year!
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Carl Mohrbacher is our man on the Kool-Aid. He welcomes your comments.
Posted on November 28, 2013